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This Is Me (Free verse) by PoeticXTC This is me, I`m one of a kind.
Brown, chinky eyes not easy to define.
Shoulder length hair dark-brown and blonde
Soft lips that speak truth; my word is bond.
Beauty, smooth skin touched by none.
A bright smile that could melt the sun.
Sexy, tight frame not to be mistakened
This gift is made for one, others are foresakened.
Ivory key like teeth in two straight rows
strong, neat from a slight correction
Legs, muscular, like track stars
Body, Built to perfection.
Strong, working hands, worked to the bone.
Pencil thin fingers most prized possession owned.
Soft, cushy, tushy never missed by eyes.
Surrounded by thick, ham like thighs.
Never can be broken, standing tall and strong
They envy such definition, seems nothing`s wrong
Everyones view from the outside in
Wanting what they don`t have, Forgetting envy is sin.
Up the ladder:
On the Discovery of the Hated Tree and Another T.V. Dinner
Down the ladder:
Friend Ship
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.125
Posted: January 2, 2006 11:15 PM PST; Last modified: January 2, 2006 11:15 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0336175 Overall Rank: 7232 Comments:
[4]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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3-Jan-06/11:43 AM
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Reply
Spelling, punctuation, grammar!!
A bit too much on your subject's physical features. I thought you were going to contrast the strong and self-assured outward appearance of your subject with an ego more fragile than most would think. Having said that I thought the last line was really good...although I would say that vanity is higher on the sin chain than envy.
the point of this poem wasn't based on actual physical features, but actual inner characteristics. I just chose to personafy those characteristics.
there appear to be some conflicting descriptions here, about a tight compact frame and yet a soft cushy tushy. strong hands worked to the bone, yet they would undoubtedly be a bit work, cut, and scarred from hard work, and i don't get the idea that your vision of them is as such.
the part about the orthodonture work is refreshing; a part of the "perfection" that was coerced into existence rather than happening "naturally". the hint that there may be something wrong (last verse) is also good; very little is ever perfect inside and out. and maybe the real substance of this work is in the last line. if i may offer: edit the desciption down a bit, but expand on the "view from the outside in" and the bit about sin.
oops... the hands would be worn, cut, and scarred
being worked to the born doesn't mean it has to be scarred or cut. Hardwork from playing sports all the time and working hard in school. Not like moving boulders with my bear hands. Don't be so ignorant. A nice tight frame is the body on the outside, the soft cushy part reps. the inside. Sometimes it isn't natural to complete or achieve perfection. but it's worth it to come as close to perfection as you feel you can. (perfection is in the eye of the beholder.)this was an assignment that I had to do awhile back. The description is the most important part.
Poetry should be about imagination. Your step-by-step description doesn't provoke any thought with the reader; it's just a prettified catalogue of yourself. Perhaps more use of metaphor would render the poem more interesting; as it is, it bores me.
ACTAULLY, poetry never has to be imagination if you don't want it to be. I can't believe you said that. Ignorance is bliss. If you were more open you would have caught my point in this poem like IMP has. This poem represents my inner personality not my physical. Maybe I should have put a brief intro as to what the poem was about. Right!!! that would defeat the purpose of my poem. Maybe it would pay to take a second look.
Excuse me?
"Soft, cushy, tushy never missed by eyes. Surrounded by thick, ham like thighs." Is this a description of your personality? Because if it is, I beg pardon, you're obviously very interesting... I assure you I caught your *point* in the poem, since it was glaringly obvious. But my previous statements still hold; you leave no room for thought, and instead you bombard the reader with a one-sided statement. It's like being force-fed. You don't really enjoy the food.
Poetry is freedom of expression. FREEDOM OF EXPRESS. Using metaphorical terms and images are for a play on words. I wasn't intending on playing w/ my words.. Its a discriptive poem. It has double meaning to it. Try to read b/w the lines next time. If you want metaphors read other poems i've written or write and read your own.
You forgot to describe yourself as like a niggard with money and a wet back when working.
how dare you?
I'd like to try a different approach.
The problem is not your poetry; it's that you're not very good-looking.
Lmao, I'm fine with the way I look. I get the men I want and then some.. So ZODIAC me being not so good looking to you isn't my problem; it's yours.
my main point in this poem isn't just my physical appearance., nor is it an ego issue.. It's what people perceive of me. I am physically all these things but that's only what is seen. When in reality there is more to me then just a pretty face and nice body... maybe if you all weren't so narrow-minded you would have caught that in the last couple of lines. My peotic style will not be yours; neither will my personality be governed by your opinions of me.
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