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What Matters (Haiku) by Dovina Bright eyes flanked his chin,
tender smile above his nose.
I knew he loved me.
Up the ladder:
A short trip home
Down the ladder:
he's leaving
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Posted: January 8, 2006 3:42 PM PST; Last modified: January 8, 2006 3:42 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.9103527 Overall Rank: 9685 Comments:
Put a colon after "nose" to make it a sentence. You're cute when you're smitten. Shallow, yes, but love is shallow.
Can't blame her. I wouldn't want to put my "nose" in front of a colon either.
now THAT's funny!
I'll keep setting them up...
You do much much better on a regular basis
This reads like a sentence in a novel to me. I hate to hardcore you like that but, it's flat.
i think the sentiment that inspired this work outweighs the sentiment conveyed. i am guessing a budding artist's drawing for you is the subject. as someone commented on my attempt at Haiku, "sometimes 17 syllables isn't enough".
Excuse me, but spell out the 17 syllables here. Am I losing something. I still find it confusing figuring out a Haiku. 5-7-5?
Bright-eyes-flanked-his-chin,
ten-der-smile-a-bove-his-nose. I-knew-he-loved-me. 274 view(s)
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