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Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond (Free verse) by somemorepoetry
The distance last night Was longer for my legs; From shore to shore Round Butcher’s Pond I marked the fallen limbs. I pulled them back from the edge, From the swirling weeds, The duck nests, and Half-thought beaver’s dams. I tucked them aside Under the trees they’d fallen from, And I kept the few small ones In my hands for fighting cold. Long boats crept out From behind the longer haze Of a winter lake’s horizon. That night or another night Thereafter I would eat The body of a rabbit I found shivering in the dark. There is no one to hear The sound of the pebbles Skipping across the surface. There is no one to hear The betraying crash Of bear through brush. Each Autumn I wait For my relief – the letters Of geese flying southward Towards the sun.

Up the ladder: Carte Blanche

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.571429
Weighted score: 5.422622
Overall Rank: 3066
Posted: December 12, 2005 2:26 AM PST; Last modified: December 12, 2005 2:26 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 | 12-Dec-05/12:19 PM | Reply
Small edits:

- Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon.
- Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside".
- Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4.
- Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring.
- "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter".
- "I'd found" instead of "I found".
- Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well.

That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.
[n/a] somemorepoetry @ 130.160.184.150 > zodiac | 12-Dec-05/3:09 PM | Reply
Thank you for taking the time to really read it and for all the suggestions. You caught me with a rough draft.
[9] Dovina @ 66.13.145.210 | 12-Dec-05/3:12 PM | Reply
nice
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 12-Dec-05/7:25 PM | Reply
The "letters / Of geese" is a weird line.
[n/a] somemorepoetry @ 130.160.195.85 > ALChemy | 12-Dec-05/10:28 PM | Reply
You know how geese fly in a V-shape? That's the idea.
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > somemorepoetry | 13-Dec-05/2:32 AM | Reply
But it sounds like they're are going through the whole alphabet which is a little bit more surreal then the rest of the poem.
It would be a trip to have them start out in a V and then morph through the whole alphabet.
[7] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > ALChemy | 13-Dec-05/4:11 AM | Reply
I seriously thought of 'A' first. Jesus, I have been gone awhile.
[6] nentwined @ 64.60.192.131 | 13-Dec-05/4:59 PM | Reply
very much haiku in spirit.

funny, I didn't get "A" or "V" in letters of geese, but then pictured the rest of the poem about their dropped feathers.

hmm.
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