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Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond (Free verse) by somemorepoetry
The distance last night
Was longer for my legs;
From shore to shore
Round Butcherâs Pond
I marked the fallen limbs.
I pulled them back from the edge,
From the swirling weeds,
The duck nests, and
Half-thought beaverâs dams.
I tucked them aside
Under the trees theyâd fallen from,
And I kept the few small ones
In my hands for fighting cold.
Long boats crept out
From behind the longer haze
Of a winter lakeâs horizon.
That night or another night
Thereafter I would eat
The body of a rabbit
I found shivering in the dark.
There is no one to hear
The sound of the pebbles
Skipping across the surface.
There is no one to hear
The betraying crash
Of bear through brush.
Each Autumn I wait
For my relief â the letters
Of geese flying southward
Towards the sun.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.571429
Weighted score: 5.422622
Overall Rank: 3066
Posted: December 12, 2005 2:26 AM PST; Last modified: December 12, 2005 2:26 AM PST
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Comments:
210 view(s)
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- Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon.
- Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside".
- Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4.
- Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring.
- "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter".
- "I'd found" instead of "I found".
- Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well.
That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.