zodiac12 Dec 2005

Small edits:

- Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon.
- Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside".
- Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4.
- Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring.
- "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter".
- "I'd found" instead of "I found".
- Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well.

That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.