Free verse № 136178
Construction Lot (edit)
It is a dizzying sunspangled day
in the city. A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where city-dwelling children used to play.
Now there's a fence. And in my heart I yearn
to cross that lot, and again on my return,
but don’t, knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
Oh, I could ask them why
they've built in this, the last clear place. And they
would answer Progress, such things as we learn
when we are very young. And I - but I
keep on my well-worn way. This wind, it flings
wet trash across the lot, the city sways.
And it seems if we just didn't believe these things
were real before us, I could speak tongues, burn
the city down, could step out and away
from the ground, out into the mirror sky.
14 comments
The dash in march-wind can go I think.
In the last verse, you start with "we" and switch jarringly to "I" as if the collective opinion affects what you believe.
The mirror makes it feel like flying away to something no better that the city with its faults. Maybe that's what you wanted, or maybe another word, not mirror. Also, "could step out and away" seems cluttered and reducible without ill effect to "step away . . ."
I've been trying for about 10 years to think of a better oddball/reasonable word for "mirror". If you think of a better one, please let me know.
What about something like this:
It is a dizzying day in the city.
A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where children used to play.
Now the sun flickers behind a fence.
And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot,
and again on my return, but don’t,
knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
I remember when I was younger and wished I could change the world and how the commonness of American complacency drove me crazy. If you wanna beat the system, buy some stock in NC construction Co.s and when you get rich buy yourself a lot for children to play in.
This is the oldest of my poems I still read. Given our recent debate, it seemed fitting. Do you see how?
My favorite quote from some fat comedian who's name I can't remember: "I don't care if it rains or freezes as long as I got my plastic Jesus." And how like a child you wish you could fly but as an adult you know you can't. Rodin's thinker suffering with unlimited imagination but limited ability or Don Quixote dreaming the imposible dream only time and time again falling on his ass or me as a child, holding a mirror at my waist facing up, and staring down at the mirror at the sky and pretending I'm walking on clouds. If only we could live in our dreams.
American Dream
Oh show me the land of the free,
Where one can roam endlessly,
Where topless sky meets bottomless sea
and dreams wash ashore on reality.
Oh show me that promised land.
Oh show me the land of the brave,
where nobody fears the grave,
where no one is anyone's slave
and no soul needs to be saved.
Just show me where to stand.
One of my oldest poems.
I choose to live back and forth between faith and logic.
It's a cop out I know but it actually works quite well in giving me peace of mind. I just hope you're happier with life than you sound sometimes.
I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.-Socrates
I love my life. Nobody ever accuses me of wretchedness except internet users. I have no idea why.
Yeah I was taking the shotgun approach to answering your question.
I don't know why you come across that way sometimes. Maybe 'cause you rarely use flighty language or show off your childish side in your words.
My favorite made-up compound word: Dreamescape.
and the elbow of a backhoe jutting above.
Or a washing machine. All poems are better with one of those.
in my heart twice in S1 does not seem intentional, and maybe should be an edit.
drop "just" from S3 L1; it's a filler word. nice linebreak at S3 L2
beautiful ending. love it that mirror sky subtextually tells me about the puddles, the melt in warming March.
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