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Construction Lot (edit) (Free verse) by zodiac It is a dizzying sunspangled day
in the city. A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where city-dwelling children used to play.
Now there's a fence. And in my heart I yearn
to cross that lot, and again on my return,
but donât, knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
Oh, I could ask them why
they've built in this, the last clear place. And they
would answer Progress, such things as we learn
when we are very young. And I - but I
keep on my well-worn way. This wind, it flings
wet trash across the lot, the city sways.
And it seems if we just didn't believe these things
were real before us, I could speak tongues, burn
the city down, could step out and away
from the ground, out into the mirror sky.
Up the ladder:
A Sinnerâs Prayer
Down the ladder:
Cargo pants
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.625
Posted: January 2, 2006 8:35 AM PST; Last modified: January 2, 2006 8:44 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.7059712 Overall Rank: 1943 Comments:
Sunspangled? Maybe you mean sunlight spangled.
What about something like this: It is a dizzying day in the city. A March-wind flirting sings in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by where children used to play. Now the sun flickers behind a fence. And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot, and again on my return, but donât, knowing in my heart its current kings are cold and stern. I remember when I was younger and wished I could change the world and how the commonness of American complacency drove me crazy. If you wanna beat the system, buy some stock in NC construction Co.s and when you get rich buy yourself a lot for children to play in.
What can I say? I like made-up compound words, rhyme, and pentameter.
This is the oldest of my poems I still read. Given our recent debate, it seemed fitting. Do you see how?
You mean the irresponsibility that tends to come with faith?
My favorite quote from some fat comedian who's name I can't remember: "I don't care if it rains or freezes as long as I got my plastic Jesus." And how like a child you wish you could fly but as an adult you know you can't. Rodin's thinker suffering with unlimited imagination but limited ability or Don Quixote dreaming the imposible dream only time and time again falling on his ass or me as a child, holding a mirror at my waist facing up, and staring down at the mirror at the sky and pretending I'm walking on clouds. If only we could live in our dreams. American Dream Oh show me the land of the free, Where one can roam endlessly, Where topless sky meets bottomless sea and dreams wash ashore on reality. Oh show me that promised land. Oh show me the land of the brave, where nobody fears the grave, where no one is anyone's slave and no soul needs to be saved. Just show me where to stand. One of my oldest poems. I choose to live back and forth between faith and logic. It's a cop out I know but it actually works quite well in giving me peace of mind. I just hope you're happier with life than you sound sometimes. I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.-Socrates
I really meant because language, law and possibly religion are originally human inventions. If you start thinking they pre-exist us or have reality outside of our use of them, all kinds of evil ensue.
I love my life. Nobody ever accuses me of wretchedness except internet users. I have no idea why.
I thought I pretty much agreed with you on that.
Yeah I was taking the shotgun approach to answering your question. I don't know why you come across that way sometimes. Maybe 'cause you rarely use flighty language or show off your childish side in your words.
As you can see I like rhyme and pentameter.
My favorite made-up compound word: Dreamescape.
The city kids must have moved to the suburbs because a "fence" could never keep one of us out of our favorite play grounds. On one hand you suggest that something was built on the lot, on the other you paint a picture of an empty lot surrounded by a fence. Which one is it? The last paragraph is vague at very best. Are you attempting to highlight the common man's powerlessness in the face of âprogressâ or your own sense of indifference?
...of course the first part of my comment only makes sense if one has not taken the time to read the title of the poem. I stand by the second point. By the way, it's clear to me that you were never a real "city dweller"....any kid from a big city will tell you that construction sites always make for the best playgrounds.
I agree. "Now there's a fence" works but maybe a fresh brick wall
and the elbow of a backhoe jutting above. Or a washing machine. All poems are better with one of those.
Yes, I meant that they're building, not that something's already built. I'll work on that. Maybe just saying "they build in this" instead of "they've built"?
I liked it, I don't know why. As far as critisizing it, I wouldn't do you enough justice, though I think you could change a couple of words here there.
the wet trash can cross it but you cannot, do not.
in my heart twice in S1 does not seem intentional, and maybe should be an edit. drop "just" from S3 L1; it's a filler word. nice linebreak at S3 L2 beautiful ending. love it that mirror sky subtextually tells me about the puddles, the melt in warming March. 344 view(s)
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The dash in march-wind can go I think.
In the last verse, you start with "we" and switch jarringly to "I" as if the collective opinion affects what you believe.
The mirror makes it feel like flying away to something no better that the city with its faults. Maybe that's what you wanted, or maybe another word, not mirror. Also, "could step out and away" seems cluttered and reducible without ill effect to "step away . . ."
I've been trying for about 10 years to think of a better oddball/reasonable word for "mirror". If you think of a better one, please let me know.