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Construction Lot (edit) (Free verse) by zodiac

It is a dizzying sunspangled day in the city. A March-wind flirting sings in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by where city-dwelling children used to play. Now there's a fence. And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot, and again on my return, but don’t, knowing in my heart its current kings are cold and stern. Oh, I could ask them why they've built in this, the last clear place. And they would answer Progress, such things as we learn when we are very young. And I - but I keep on my well-worn way. This wind, it flings wet trash across the lot, the city sways. And it seems if we just didn't believe these things were real before us, I could speak tongues, burn the city down, could step out and away from the ground, out into the mirror sky.

Dovina 2-Jan-06/4:39 PM
The comma in "across the lot, the city sways" seems misplaced, as if it should be two sentences, either a period after trash, or after lot.

The dash in march-wind can go I think.

In the last verse, you start with "we" and switch jarringly to "I" as if the collective opinion affects what you believe.

The mirror makes it feel like flying away to something no better that the city with its faults. Maybe that's what you wanted, or maybe another word, not mirror. Also, "could step out and away" seems cluttered and reducible without ill effect to "step away . . ."




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