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My kids (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta He's up and then my world starts to
Go round in circles, spinning.
My day begins with coffee on the stove
While milk's a boiling.
It's time to get the snackbox in his bag
And send him off to school,
After we've had an ordeal
With his bath and brushing too.
And then she's up, my little baby
"I want mama", she says and waits.
She watches as her brother wishes
And is on his way.
It's time to wait on her, that's next!
For she's particular,
"I'll wear the pink dress and pink clips",
Imagine, she's just a toddler!
And so my day goes on and on
My husband's there to help me run
He bathes our kids and gets them dressed
While they both shout 'Dada's the best !'
My son is back from school by one.
My girl, she waits to see him come.
They hug and kiss, for she did miss
His mischief, fights and fun.
And so my day goes on and on
There's always something to be done
When kids are with you, you will see
They're mind boggling and fidgity.
I shout and swear, look up and glare
For they get on my nerves.
They tear books, nibble, break things and scribble
They throw things all around.
Sometimes we have to bribe them
Into doing what we want them to,
Like clearing the mess they make
With food and toys and clothes too.
Finally, when the day is done,
And night time then begins to fall,
I'm tired, angry, worn and faint;
Have to admit, I am no saint!
And yet, when I look at them sleep
I see the truth so clearly.
They only reflect reality
Of once that was just - ME.
Up the ladder:
Watch where you're swingin' your dipthong, buddy
Down the ladder:
Even manic dreamers must face Atropos
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8333335
Posted: December 17, 2005 7:14 PM PST; Last modified: December 17, 2005 7:14 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.493059 Overall Rank: 2795 Comments:
[7]
deleted user @ 204.97.18.177
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18-Dec-05/5:17 AM
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Reply
Not as structured as some of your other work. I was a little put off by the indiscriminate use of rhyme and non-rhyme.
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 202.83.45.117
> deleted user
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19-Dec-05/12:37 AM
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Reply
i know what you mean. i couldn't get all to rhyme, and so i didn't force myself. thought i'd get a public opinion on this approach. Personally i'm more comfortable with rhymes and a definite rhythm. thankyou for your review. i value your opinion, and look forward to more advice from you.
Unless your son's name is Danny Boy don't say things like "milk's a boiling" just say "milk is boiling".
"They hug and kiss, for she did miss" Add a "so" either before or after "did" or even better lose "did" and just write it as "so missed". I mean do you really talk in real life like you did in those 2 lines I singled out? With that said, the rest of this is really good and I actually like that you put rhymes where it felt natural and didn't force them into places they didn't need to go. Now my challenge to you is to find out what exactly the elements were that made this poem effective and what things worked against it.
ha ha ha.... my son's name is not Danny Boy. so i see your point. Is 'she did miss' grammatically wrong? i didn't seem to find anything wrong in it, find its usage sounding awkard. would like insight, if its technically wrong. Help.
Now finding what was in favour of it........ - written from the heart - an outline of true incidents? - it had message ? - the tense of speech was uniform through out? ....... i don't know exactly what you want me to pin-point to. and what is it that worked aainst it ? enlighten me .
I'm probably not the best one to ask for grammar advice. That would be Zodiac. But as you noticed it comes across akward. Probably one reason is because it sounds like archaic language which has no buisiness in being in this poem.
- written from the heart - an outline of true incidents? No - it had message ? No. Lots of poems do both of these things and still suck. - the tense of speech was uniform through out? Yes. For example: Did you notice how these words bounce off each other? (?) shows implied rhyme. -?- shows alliteration. It's time to get the -s-nackbox in his BAG(A) And -s-end him off to -S-CHOOL(B), After we've HAD(A) an ordeal With his -B-ATH(A) and -b-rushing TOO(B). And then she's up, my little BABY(C) "I want mama", she says and WAITS(C). She -W-ATCHES(D) as her brother -W-ISHES(D) And is ON HIS(D) way. It's time to wait ON HER(E), that's next! For she's PARTICULAR(E), Plus you're writing about something you know better than just about anyone else on earth, your children. Your true rhymes don't seem nearly as force as in some of your other poems. Most of this sounds like something you might actually say and the rhymes tend to come out like happy little coincidences. Well that's a start but there's alot of other things that make a poem work and part of the fun is discovering them. It's OK not to know the science of poetry when you're just an avid reader but when you write poetry it's like performing as a magician and not knowing the secret behind pulling off the trick. I hope that helps make the room a little brighter for you.
Ps. There are many poems that use alliteration and implied rhyme and are still bad. Being able to see the design. Being able to step away from the art and see it as though it was for the first time and then being able to properly criticize your own work are really the hallmark of good poetry writing. That and knowledge of the art of course.
yep, it helps. thanks a ton. :-).
and now for the disagreeable points, since you hint that there is.....
Getting too sleepy right now. I work nights. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm not the one to ask, but I'm good sometimes at pretending I'm the one. I'm seeing my wife this week for the first time in 5 months, but I'll be around next week.
Take as much time with her as you want playa. You need to make up for lost time with her.
I like to think this is all true. I don't know why, but I want to think that at least one poemranker writes herself as she really is. Please tell me it's true. This is a great life you have. Please keep writing about it just as it is. And agaain, please thell me it's true.
And please ignore zodiac when he tells you, as he surely will, that I'm saying this because my life is dull.
This one is true - very true- my daily activity and life with my kids, Joshua (5) and Ruth(3). It was written few days ago when i asked my husband for a theme or an opening line, and he challenged me with the topic - 'our children', or 'My husband'. well, it was more of a joke than a challenge, but i got thinking and this was written within 15 - 20 minutes. i'm glad i wrote it, it was fun putting it all together. thank you for appreciating it. And zodiac can't ever say that your life is dull, not from how i see it. he gives you enough pep to go on on poemranker. Cheer up.
I believe even the ordinary in your life is very exciting to you.
Yes it is. And I'm very ordinarily excited right now! Very much so!
It didn't seem to smooth out until about a third of the way through, maybe it's just me.
I like to have a message in each poem i write, but the hard part is getting to it, trying to put the preface right. thanks for the review.
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