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My kids (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta

He's up and then my world starts to Go round in circles, spinning. My day begins with coffee on the stove While milk's a boiling. It's time to get the snackbox in his bag And send him off to school, After we've had an ordeal With his bath and brushing too. And then she's up, my little baby "I want mama", she says and waits. She watches as her brother wishes And is on his way. It's time to wait on her, that's next! For she's particular, "I'll wear the pink dress and pink clips", Imagine, she's just a toddler! And so my day goes on and on My husband's there to help me run He bathes our kids and gets them dressed While they both shout 'Dada's the best !' My son is back from school by one. My girl, she waits to see him come. They hug and kiss, for she did miss His mischief, fights and fun. And so my day goes on and on There's always something to be done When kids are with you, you will see They're mind boggling and fidgity. I shout and swear, look up and glare For they get on my nerves. They tear books, nibble, break things and scribble They throw things all around. Sometimes we have to bribe them Into doing what we want them to, Like clearing the mess they make With food and toys and clothes too. Finally, when the day is done, And night time then begins to fall, I'm tired, angry, worn and faint; Have to admit, I am no saint! And yet, when I look at them sleep I see the truth so clearly. They only reflect reality Of once that was just - ME.

ALChemy 19-Dec-05/5:53 AM
I'm probably not the best one to ask for grammar advice. That would be Zodiac. But as you noticed it comes across akward. Probably one reason is because it sounds like archaic language which has no buisiness in being in this poem.

- written from the heart - an outline of true incidents? No
- it had message ? No. Lots of poems do both of these things and still suck.
- the tense of speech was uniform through out? Yes.

For example:
Did you notice how these words bounce off each other? (?) shows implied rhyme. -?- shows alliteration.

It's time to get the -s-nackbox in his BAG(A)
And -s-end him off to -S-CHOOL(B),
After we've HAD(A) an ordeal
With his -B-ATH(A) and -b-rushing TOO(B).
And then she's up, my little BABY(C)
"I want mama", she says and WAITS(C).
She -W-ATCHES(D) as her brother -W-ISHES(D)
And is ON HIS(D) way.
It's time to wait ON HER(E), that's next!
For she's PARTICULAR(E),


Plus you're writing about something you know better than just about anyone else on earth, your children. Your true rhymes don't seem nearly as force as in some of your other poems. Most of this sounds like something you might actually say and the rhymes tend to come out like happy little coincidences.
Well that's a start but there's alot of other things that make a poem work and part of the fun is discovering them. It's OK not to know the science of poetry when you're just an avid reader but when you write poetry it's like performing as a magician and not knowing the secret behind pulling off the trick.

I hope that helps make the room a little brighter for you.




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