ALChemy19 Dec 2005

I'm probably not the best one to ask for grammar advice. That would be Zodiac. But as you noticed it comes across akward. Probably one reason is because it sounds like archaic language which has no buisiness in being in this poem.

- written from the heart - an outline of true incidents? No
- it had message ? No. Lots of poems do both of these things and still suck.
- the tense of speech was uniform through out? Yes.

For example:
Did you notice how these words bounce off each other? (?) shows implied rhyme. -?- shows alliteration.

It's time to get the -s-nackbox in his BAG(A)
And -s-end him off to -S-CHOOL(B),
After we've HAD(A) an ordeal
With his -B-ATH(A) and -b-rushing TOO(B).
And then she's up, my little BABY(C)
"I want mama", she says and WAITS(C).
She -W-ATCHES(D) as her brother -W-ISHES(D)
And is ON HIS(D) way.
It's time to wait ON HER(E), that's next!
For she's PARTICULAR(E),


Plus you're writing about something you know better than just about anyone else on earth, your children. Your true rhymes don't seem nearly as force as in some of your other poems. Most of this sounds like something you might actually say and the rhymes tend to come out like happy little coincidences.
Well that's a start but there's alot of other things that make a poem work and part of the fun is discovering them. It's OK not to know the science of poetry when you're just an avid reader but when you write poetry it's like performing as a magician and not knowing the secret behind pulling off the trick.

I hope that helps make the room a little brighter for you.