wilco
on Indiscrete by ecargo
19 Mar 2006, 1:33 AM
super
babies havin' babies..
I'd just like to say, I grew up on your poemes.
I would have given this a 4, but after reading 9/11, I would give it an 11. Exquisite literature.
Your Haikus aren't THAT bad for your's to be the worst three on the site, in my opinion. I give it a 6.
Loving the title - it suits the poem perfectly (and it is, by the way, a top poem!)
Good to see you back!
Interesting concept, and very linguistically impressive. 'Miracle/Satirical' is one of the more innovative rhymes in recent posts!
I think you misspelled Martin's name.
Seriously, though folks. I think if you want to poast this for others to read, maybe shorten it and make it a little more interesting. Otherwise just give it to Martijn.
The only problem I have with it is it is an incomplete sentence, "bringing" being in the present tense form. You might try:
Gentle ocean waves,
Always moving with the wind
Breathe a life to all
But I'm not trying to write it for you. In fact, I don't really like what I wrote either X(
For the context, I thought the first line was stunning. Good parallels between living and dead. I felt like I wanted an image after line two - something in keeping with the 'barren timbers'/'rotten floorboards' theme perhaps. Other than that, no quarrel.
Great metre! Very classical in feel, meets with approval here. I like the idea of the night kissing someone's upturned face - some nicely original ideas in this one.
This is great! The sort of anti-Pimple...I like the alternative viewpoint - unexpected, certainly.
"I'm sure that a poem is oft viewed as neater/When properly rhymed and according to meter"...this made me chuckle! And yes...rhyming isn't the easiest thing in the world, well, good rhyming, that is.
Hmm...wasn't sure about 'bat-wings beat spastically' - it seemed a bit cumbersome, and bats are generally very graceful, in an odd sort of way - the same way that swifts are.
Reminds me of Christmas Eve when I was about eleven...a beautiful night, one that felt more enchanted than usual...one of my favourite memories...that's put a smile on my face =D so for that, thank you
Some good sentiments, but just not a very...ummm..daring? poem..just not too inventive...could be worked on and turned into something though.
Ugh, I don't like this kid, but I do like the poem. Particularly the spice in the sunset, very vividly done.
A couple of suggestions - there are a few typos in here, 'viciousness', 'was' (line 15), 'neighbo(u)r's'. Also, I would have added one more violent-themed activity just to complete the distasteful character.
I love 'Today there was no change...I was just supposed to be evil'.
I like it