ElmoBeavisButthead
on My Resuscitating Love by Silverjackel
19 Mar 2006, 5:23 AM
I loved it honestly...Even though I don't know the second word in the title...
Drop the soap.
Sorry, but I can't see dreams having goals or plans. And I hardly think "refreshed" is descriptive of how I feel about all my dreams.
D. - this is a kickass poem, serious yet amusing and the rhyme/rhythm scheme is almost flawless. 'The best of possible care' didn't quite fit right with my reading of this, but other than that, no faults.
Is this related to the events in the news recently? I never did get round to checking that out like I meant to.
Great poem anyway.
Sister of Towanda and Nuwanda, I'm sure.
When I was a kid I suffered from Night Terrors aka Sleep Terror Disorder aka Pavor Nocturnus. It is probably the most intense and scary kind of nightmare known to man and it doesn't go away after you wake up for another 10 or 20 minutes. Sometimes it helped if I went pee. So now I choose to do most of my dreaming while I'm awake and most of my peeing while I'm asleep.
I guess dreams really do want to make my life better.
Personally I haven't ever tried sonnet writing, that's something I'll save for a rainy day, so to speak. But the comments you've received on this haven't been of any use, so let's see what can be said. I believe that sonnets (particularly Shakespearean sonnets) are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. For a quick definition, look here:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q
Yeah, I was playing earlier...getting fired up when the ref doesn't give a blatent foul...too true, too true.
I get the impression that the old football - soccer - is taking off on the other side of the water, great to hear, but please don't start dominating this sport like you have everything else!
I once saw a girl I was in love with get date raped by a jock at a party. I couldn't fight my way through the crowd of cheering onlookers to stop it. So I yelled "The cops are here!" and everyone scattered. Once the jock found out, he wanted to beat me to a pulp but my friend stepped in and he got beat into a bloody mess in my place.
This poem of yours made me think of that. Ya'know, 'cause it's funny stuff.
Mark Twaint.
I unctiously clutched my eggs. I could tell Jesu was hungry and telepathically searching for burrows of yolk and peeps... Boulders would roll. He was hung, and ALIVE!
into
This just popped up on the random cycle, at last a decent poem to arrive through it!
Ordinarily I'd read but not comment, but this has so many grand lines in...'I must feel seen' is quite astonishing even in its relative simplicity. And I can't really say how awesome I think stanza 3 is. I just can't.
Superb.
*NEW, from the people who brought you Dashboard Confessional.*
Sorry man, I'm just in one of those smartass moods.
Cool, very sad but not overdramatic. I do like the last line, the double possibility of you talking to her or to Jesus, and the mirroring of the first two lines of stanzas 1 and 3. Good to have you back!
Uncharmed- is the best you can do at the end? Bah! 9.5
rounding down. If you have to rewrite the whole line, fix it.
This one's better than your other lyric, but I definitely agree with D. - leave out 'thee'. This isn't a Cohen masterpiece, so it doesn't fit the mood of the piece.
'A river inside breaks free' is a damn good line.
The poem was short but nice. The title I think should be renamed though..Other than that good job.
Interesting concept, and not as maudlin as many 'dream' poems.
Line three has an extra "the" and an inconsistently lower case "and." Line 4 needs a period, since the others do. And if you're into line-end commas, put one after s2l5. But the major stuff is really good.