x0lovelylarnx0
on Holding on for Jesus by Everyone
21 Mar 2006, 5:51 PM
That could be a really good song!!! I love it!! 10 for sure
I know this is true because it happens on ER and Scrubs all the time.
in the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine . . .
Nice ditty.
I don't really think I can give you any better advice than Ranger already has. Follow his lead.
I suggest you use a splint in the middle of the poem to try and hold this limp flaccid work together.
good to see a poem with an off kilter rhyme. I do it sometimes and it gets some peoples backs up but i like the modern age hippocrates goes philosophical thing.
I really thought this might be a metaphor for something. On the other hand, you met a docta! Is he single? You could make your little jewish mutha so proud.
Very droll squire, very droll indeed.
I thought I'd commented on this the other day...I must be losing it. The first stanza rocks; I see the factories/industrial side overtaking the more traditional aspect of the city, and also the smoke rising in spires - umbilical cords of smoke (and fire - rising sun).
'Decrepit' is perfect for the ruins, again it makes me think of (three) columns of smoke.
Not sure about stanza 3 - the passage about Godiva (your local legend) is really good, but it doesn't quite fit the gloom of war, at least not in my reading. It's a brilliant passage though.
Stanza 4 is great. Other than 'Their' (should be 'There'), no complaints.
Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there.
My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says.
Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!
like citadels of steel and gore and much of the imagery you use in here is well thought out and written. The longer lines disrupt the flow compared to the concise images preceding and folowing them so work on that and you have yourself a belter here.
One of the best from you me thinks :-)
Fucking disgusting but i'm guilty of laughing.
bloody good poem - i love it.
the title is wicked too.
favourited !
These are good thoughts, but not very well formed in the language of poetry. Try starting with Line 5, then 6. Line 7 seem parenthetic, and could be scatched in this poem, used in another. Next, Line 3, 4, 2. Just some ideas.
'I swear I saw an ewok grinning between your legs' is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site! *snigger*
Very...well, Tolkien. Yet again you've given a brief poem crammed to the rafters with great lines and stark images; I might have to refer to this as 'Comment #1', as I get the feeling that I'm likely to post this, or words to these effects on everything you write!
'Reap and reel' was my favourite excerpt from this, made me think of fields on one side and the sea on the other...but also of stone and wild grass pathways. 'Black hags...' was another class line.
All in all, a top read before bed!
Dude, I think I should disect this like we did at RMS
You could make a song with these lyrics...