Re: Dashboard Jesus by wilco	ecargo 63.22.84.46	19-Mar-06/5:48 PM
in the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine . . . Nice ditty.
Re: Old ways by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Mar-06/6:08 PM
Very...well, Tolkien. Yet again you've given a brief poem crammed to the rafters with great lines and stark images; I might have to refer to this as 'Comment #1', as I get the feeling that I'm likely to post this, or words to these effects on everything you write! 'Reap and reel' was my favourite excerpt from this, made me think of fields on one side and the sea on the other...but also of stone and wild grass pathways. 'Black hags...' was another class line. All in all, a top read before bed!
Re: Old ways by ecargo	ecargo 63.22.7.233	19-Mar-06/7:13 PM
*Arrgh! For "alters," please read "altars."
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	some deleted user 141.163.84.17	20-Mar-06/1:45 AM
Dude, I think I should disect this like we did at RMS
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	some deleted user 141.163.84.17	20-Mar-06/1:48 AM
Dis is da s***
Re: Frozen Angel by Ranger	some deleted user 141.163.84.17	20-Mar-06/1:49 AM
You could make a song with these lyrics...
Re: Muff by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Mar-06/8:19 AM
'I swear I saw an ewok grinning between your legs' is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site! *snigger*
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	20-Mar-06/10:40 AM
I really thought this might be a metaphor for something. On the other hand, you met a docta! Is he single? You could make your little jewish mutha so proud.
Re: Muff by Stephen Robins	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/2:53 AM
Fucking disgusting but i'm guilty of laughing.
Re: The Peccadillary by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/4:32 AM
Very droll squire, very droll indeed.
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/4:56 AM
good to see a poem with an off kilter rhyme. I do it sometimes and it gets some peoples backs up but i like the modern age hippocrates goes philosophical thing.
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/4:59 AM
like citadels of steel and gore and much of the imagery you use in here is well thought out and written. The longer lines disrupt the flow compared to the concise images preceding and folowing them so work on that and you have yourself a belter here. One of the best from you me thinks :-)
Re: Dashboard Jesus by wilco	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/5:00 AM
bloody good poem - i love it. the title is wicked too. favourited !
Re: The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/6:48 AM
I thought I'd commented on this the other day...I must be losing it. The first stanza rocks; I see the factories/industrial side overtaking the more traditional aspect of the city, and also the smoke rising in spires - umbilical cords of smoke (and fire - rising sun). 'Decrepit' is perfect for the ruins, again it makes me think of (three) columns of smoke. Not sure about stanza 3 - the passage about Godiva (your local legend) is really good, but it doesn't quite fit the gloom of war, at least not in my reading. It's a brilliant passage though. Stanza 4 is great. Other than 'Their' (should be 'There'), no complaints.
Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/7:01 AM
Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there. My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says. Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/7:55 AM
I suggest you use a splint in the middle of the poem to try and hold this limp flaccid work together.
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	richa 81.178.217.160	21-Mar-06/1:06 PM
I know this is true because it happens on ER and Scrubs all the time.
Re: Holding on for Jesus by Everyone	x0lovelylarnx0 205.188.117.10	21-Mar-06/5:51 PM
That could be a really good song!!! I love it!! 10 for sure
Re: Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0	Dovina 70.38.78.229	21-Mar-06/6:53 PM
These are good thoughts, but not very well formed in the language of poetry. Try starting with Line 5, then 6. Line 7 seem parenthetic, and could be scatched in this poem, used in another. Next, Line 3, 4, 2. Just some ideas.
Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead	wilco 24.92.74.122	21-Mar-06/7:35 PM
I don't really think I can give you any better advice than Ranger already has. Follow his lead.