INTRANSIT
on Sea Words by ecargo
22 Mar 2006, 9:13 AM
Surfs up!
Oh the way kids play adults against one another. Sickos.
"I swear I saw an ewok, Grinning between your legs," is the funniest thing I've ever heard. 8 - just for that.
you always find an apt and fittin gend to your work and i like that style about you.
I think the repetition of *the* hurts the poem though
Hey Sunny--this is really good. Nice sounds, strong images, good flow from stanza to stanza. "cuts off wind from the sky, and the sky itself. A sour smell/glass door, raw and white"--this is great. Suggest losing the ellipses (everywhere) and dropping the "so white"--don't think it adds anything to the line. Also sugg: dropping "all" in the "Outside, spring (should be lowercased) has conquered--it's just a filler word. I think your next stanza's probably the weakest--you don't connect it to the rest. Love the details in the last two stanzas and the ending (still in the dentist's chair?)
Good stuff. Welcome.
A love poem that I actually love. "you that see exaggerated reality, must be kissed by love" - great.
The first verse could lose the () for a preposition with better flow, I think.
Welcome to Poemranker!
The ending kills this otherwise impressive poem. It's like watching two hours of a movie just to find in the end it was merely a dream, haha.
Is it the sun that winces or you?
There are some wonderful fresh images here, very original. Overall this poem is perfectly lovely.
Your poems are often so filled with allusions that I don't know, or metaphors that I don't get, that I feel left out. This one lets just enough of the simpler life seep through. It speaks to me. But even I think that (only feels) can be dropped.
Nice first stanza change something to the one thing or better yet call the thing the Harvester:
...
...
At the harvester harvesting
the grains of his grief.
Get rid of the parentheticals at the end of stanza 2. No one is two seperate words.
Everyone knocks sentimentality, but it works well here. The protaganist is solid enough to anchor the sentiment.
Tell me WHAT you dreamed, not how you felt about it. The poetry is in the details. Feelings alone are boring. If i see aperson crying I might feel sympathy for their sadness but I can't feel empathy or relate to their experience intil they tell me WHAT happened.
For the last year or so the only things I can even journal about are dreams. I have no conscious creativity anymore. But my dreams are filled with myth and imagery. Like you my dreams have helped to heal me, but when I write a poem about it I tell what happened in the dream (See Signal of Goodbye http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
Made me think of the 'Genie' case - am I on the right lines?
Yes, Dovina and wilco are spot on, I think. This is excellent material as a draft or as ideas on a page but they'll take work to bring together. Every poet has written about a rose at sometime or another - but it's as good a place as any to start. The first line is really nice, so build on it!
Are you a mommy?
I think you'd make a cool mom.
Good thoughts, but it's all been said before and in a much better way. Try looking for new ways to express your thoughts. Instead of just letting it flow onto the page, think about the line and think how you can say it in a different way.
mmmm...okay.
Nice.
Drop "His name is" from the last stanza, you don't need it.
I think you should drop the entire first tri-whateveryoucallit.
Like a pregnant women's.
That is love...
Drop sun at the end of stanza 3, or drop yellow.
In the 4th stanza, why is there a ; after cold? The next line reads like the beginning of a new thought. I can't see how it ties in with London's smog head cold.
It ends beautifully.