yawn

Hey Ranger--nice job. Cool lyric to riff from. I like the wistfulness/tenderness of this. In general, I think it works pretty well. Some of the connections you try to make seem a little off to me though--Dickens? I don't get Dickens from any of this, the reference just distracts. Ditto for Cain--seems to come out of no where, and not in the "a-ha!" good surprising way. Lines that could use some work, IMO: Everything thereafter is gone from recall- [after, maybe, instead of thereafter, and I don't think you need "recall"; everything after is gone? More direct and more encompassing.] Lines a little "meh": The ending of a failed love, so soft to part Wind screams a melody, so terrible Shrill blood-iron voice to hail [the thuddiness of "blood" and the softness of "iron" work against "shrill", also, what's a "blood-iron voice"? Oh, heck, easier to just go sequentially-- No thorn words thrown ["thrown" doesn't seem to work with "thorn" though I like the play on sound] Lose the nightingale. Keats has forever claimed the nightingale, and the rest of us look like asses for imagining that we can use it. (Yes, there was a nightingale in a poeme I recently posted. Yes, that makes me a hypocrite and, likely, an ass.) Curtain of twilight [cliche] I like these lines a lot, though I think they need tweaked (as they'd say in PA) a little: As though somebody cried 'Love blinds its domain' I shut my eyes to make sure [of?] A scene, a dream of you, a figure once well known [maybe lose "a figure"?] Who spoke of gothic romance, love arcane [I dunno about "gothic" here--it's too obvious, and the term "gothic romance" makes me think of old Mills & Boons type books--the waifish heroine, the tortured, scarred, reclusive hero wrestling with broody ghosts; the crazy wife in the attic, all very _Rebecca_ ("Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter for the way was barred to me. Then, like all dreamers, I was possessed of a sudden with supernatural powers and passed like a spirit through the barrier before me. The drive wound away in front of me, twisting and turning as it had always done. But as I advanced, I was aware that a change had come upon it. Nature had come into her own again, and little by little had encroached upon the drive with long tenacious fingers, on and on while the poor thread that had once been our drive. And finally, there was Manderley - Manderley - secretive and silent. Time could not mar the perfect symmetry of those walls. Moonlight can play odd tricks upon the fancy, and suddenly it seemed to me that light came from the windows. And then a cloud came upon the moon and hovered an instant like a dark hand before a face. The illusion went with it. I looked upon a desolate shell, with no whisper of a past about its staring walls. We can never go back to Manderley again. That much is certain. But sometimes, in my dreams, I do go back to the strange days of my life which began for me in the south of France...)"] Oops, sorry, I have no concentration skills left. Enchantment, haunting song Bound and still in awe, enthralled [again, Cain ref seems off] Storm of emerald, ever irresistible [?] From this deep, dark mattress vein Grave [?] [Not sure I get this] uncertain sun, slow spindle [good image] And you haven't visited for a while, Jenni I still think you're beautiful [I like this, simple and wistful] Though I never was Little more than mortal mundane ["never was little more than"--grammar's off--never was more than or was little more than] Like a silver streak fresh from water's skin [water's skin I like, silver streak is too familiar though] Lying sunk in bedspread sprawl [nice] For the company of a broken mirror [for the? recast this line maybe? ] I was going to sit here this December in disdain [disdain, rhyme aside, doesn't seem like the right word to me] Just drink, then think of nothing at all ["and" instead of "then"? I like the ending, by the way] And you happened to call ["but" instead of "and"?] Okay, now that I've nitpicked this to death--I really like the loose rhyming throughout and I think that you maintain the mournfulness, the hauntedness, throughout. I really like this, period. Good poem. Terribly long comment.

Yep, this did it for me.

Aye, for me too, forsooth. Your sea poems are terrific! Where do you live, I wonder?

Good use of the Glosa. You stick to the spirit of the original quatrain. "thorn words" and "cold door" - great. The last four lines really clinch it.

Maybe just maybe, what we seek is less words from rhyming vultures, who pick at the bones of poetry - in search of something they found years and sentences ago?

Your removing Dickens leaves the street scene with scarf and shawl alone to show us the old-time setting. Now we have to wait until "love arcane" and still wonder if the shawl was just a hippie immitation. Also, Cain was to Abel as she is to you. I thought that Cain's guilt was a good way of showing this. It's still a good poem, but not really an improvement in my opinion.

I like this - but it seems tired - almost easy - yet forced - like you're searching for something that's already there? Common "Zodiac" - same as you ever was - just enough talent - way too much time!

Yawn

Hey Ranger, its been a while. This is good, I like the fourth stanza the best. I also like the repeated line "well I'll be damned." And I can totally relate to the lines "And you haven't visited for a while/ I still think you're beautiful." I'm sorry I can't pur forth a more meaningful responce, but I am drunk. Big surprise. After this semester I'll be back in full, but right now I have no time for poemranker.com =[ Keep up the good work, man.

wide eyed field is a good line giving possibilities of the sun being the eye or blooms. The sentiment is nice but you should learn to curb sarcasm and disrespectful digs because it gives you a superioeity complex that will not win you respect on here.

Forgive your master. he's had a severe case of hammertoe and is busy cutting snowflakes at the moment.

Yes, you've done it. Perfect ending. It's enough to make a bible-thumper take another look.

This is one thousand percent right. And well put, at that.

Yes, agreed with gw about the last line, and there are some stunningly vivid images here - 'naked blue background', 'magnolia trees' etc. work beautifully. 'Resolution of minced cocaine' is also quality. Good stuff, time to read your other post!

Gorgeous, again. You've hit a winner with the last stanza, it's one of the best I've ever seen! Personally I'd remove the brackets, and change 'lovely' (it seems a bit too...basic, perhaps, in comparison with the rest of the poem) and one of the 'suns'. Changing the first one would work well in my opinion, it makes me think of you looking at a mango as the sun rises behind it. I love the 'hazy-eye sky/London's smog' passage - I hate London for the most part but you've got this absolutely dead on. 'Exaggerated reality' - is that talking about the glorious image people tend to have of London when in reality a lot of it is, well, grubby? Top stuff, keep them coming!

Man...you have an incredible talent - I don't know of another poet who's managed to write as consistently well as you. This is fantastic, the man who has lost - we see everywhere. The only alteration I'd make is to change 'grieved', as you've already used 'grief'. Perhaps 'He nestled in his sorrow almost haughtily' (pretentious I know, but that sort of thing). You manage to make me visualise him clearly without giving a great deal of concrete description - that is something difficult to achieve!

"Later he saw Jesus move from tree to tree in the back of his mind, a wild ragged figure motioning him to turn around and come off into the dark, where he was not sure of his footing, where he suddenly might be walking on water and not know it and then suddenly know it and drown." - Flannery O'Connor

Not even when the wind blows? I liked this.

You already are something, you don't need to grow-up for that. Quite the contrary; most folks forget who they are when they enter the world of grownuppedness. teen's parents hearts. Doesn't that sound awful to you? Young teen's is redundant. If you mean what you write then that line is saying kids who are in the lower teens(13, 14) excluding the older teens(18,19). Is that what you meant to come across? Don't preach in poetry. That too, is redundant. Again at the end you say ...you alone have your own purpose. That statement logically concludes that no one else in the world has their own purpose, only whoever happens to be reading your poem. Write what you mean. It's the first step. Read your writing carefully. The message in your poem is true enough, that's very good. But you should practice different ways of expressing things. 'Live life to the fullest' is not only cliche but, more relevantly, it's extremely vague. What gauge is used to measure how full or empty a life has been lived?