regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	24-Mar-06/6:21 AM
Nice! I like "cutting and blunt"; the soft Texas bread and the sneaking Tetons. That line though throws me: "I want to tell them . . . that they're sipping chocolate milk. . . . "--maybe "I want to tell them that while they're sipping . . . "? (I'm guessing they'd know that they're drinking the chocomilk w/out you telling them.) Second to last stanza's a peach (maybe start a new sentence w/ "Someday" though?) "One wire belly bombs?"? Wazzat?
Re: Indiscrete by ecargo	Scarlett 70.171.72.141	24-Mar-06/6:39 AM
An excellent write, tracking that unreachable, uncomfortable feeling after a one-night stand. (never had one myself, but my girlfriends have told me the emotions, much like the ones visually described here)..
Re: Muff by Stephen Robins	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/7:44 AM
Oh my God, this is awful... *still laughing*
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/8:02 AM
In this poem, I see "Monkey" - the name I gave to a kitten, found after a storm. My garden was her home and oh, she was stealth in her attack of any leaf floating by... and she could climb like a monkey, fast and furious.. and sleep with the birds in a nest (no kidding). She's an indoor cat now, but all the same hunt games in play. This is a precious poem, filled with the joy in watching the natural beauty of animals.
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/9:09 AM
Best I've read here thus far. Beautiful flow, beautiful form. Will come back for repeated reads just to sink into the river current that charges these words..
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	24-Mar-06/10:42 AM
I think it'd be great if the fact were that you looked like Larry The Cable Guy but you wrote such insightful and sensetive poetry. I'm sure that's not the case but it'd be a great image. This is one of the best of your poems that i've read. I had to look "Tetons" up, bonus points for that. There's an "I'm not bullshitting you" quality to this kind of reminiscent of Melville. Reads like an all night drive filled with dreamy, movie inner monologue and ends with the bitter reality of a strong cup of black coffee. A bitter-sweet love poem for waitresses everywhere. Looking forward to your next poem so- "Get'er Duhhhn".
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Mar-06/11:44 AM
Verse 2 is perfect. The sipping of chocolate milk while looking out the window at the Tetons, I take as something a truck driver might do if he were living dangerously and not paying attention to things that could kill him or someone else. If I'm right, it's a good image, given that you are in a truck stop looking at waitresses with their own kinds of inattention. I don't like the last verse so well, because I think you know these things better than they do.
Re: Dying for Your Sins by drnick	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Mar-06/11:52 AM
I think "he's" can be dropped. "insecurities" seems inconsistant with sins and regrets. I like "all his sins" written with no apology or explanation, as if all sins are his. The last line is very revealing.
Re: portholes in a floating coffin (burial at sea) by FreeFormFixation	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Mar-06/12:02 PM
I thought Galivant might me some proper name, since otherwise it's just a varient of "gallivant", but found none. But since you misspelled confounded, I suppose that's all it is - a name you made up. If this is simply about a seance, I'm disappointed.
Re: Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/12:43 PM
I agree that the ( ) break the flow of this, but otherwise, it's a gem! Many visuals and consistent flood of colors.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Mar-06/1:11 PM
Masterful, yet again. Like ALChemy I had to find out 'Tetons', that's my learning for the day done...'belly bombs' is fantastic, although at a first glance it actually made me think of navel piercings, a fitting image, given the context. The carpet analogy is excellent too. You keep churning these great poems out...I'm beginning to wonder how you manage to have time to do any trucking!
Re: Dying for Your Sins by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Mar-06/1:17 PM
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin). One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here. Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you!
Re: Sea Words by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Mar-06/1:42 PM
Love the play of words in the title too. Although it's taken me over a day to recognise it. *taps skull*
Re: Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/2:07 PM
What pulls me into this poem is the repetition ~ it does sound prayer-like. I agree with Ranger that a positive based poem is refreshing.
Re: The Best Thing I Ever Had by faithmairee	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/2:22 PM
I have a tender spot for Louisiana and this poem means all the more since Katrina. Enjoyed the southern, sultry feel..
Re: Rose by firestar_2580	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Mar-06/2:30 PM
Hmm. Nice in places, although there are a few grammatical points. Apostrophes are only for possessive forms, letter omission and numeric plurals. so rose's should be simply roses, and look's should be looks. Aside from that, this has some pleasant word choices and some decent passages. 'She seemed in constant motion...' is sweet. I'd change 'lovely', it's a little...well, simple in comparison with the tone of the poem. Also, 'nude' would (to me) sound better as 'unclothed', or something like that. It's probably only due to so long exposed to Dark Angel, but the word grates somehow. The only thing that I don't like is the transition from first person at the start to third person; I assume you're referring to your soul as 'her', but it's not clear. Oh, and I'd better say before anyone else does - 'Rose' is an enormously overused title...if you can find something a bit more original then the poem would benefit. Keep working at this one, it has promise. 7 for now, I feel there are edits left to be done though.
Re: I sat beside the night by Niphredil	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/2:31 PM
This is absolutely lovely! Night has a certain charm that makes one breath a little easier and you captured it well.
regarding some deleted poem...	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/2:41 PM
"I wove it through the trees above" Yes, indeed, this made the poem. Clever visual.
Re: Follow by firestar_2580	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Mar-06/2:51 PM
Love the description, don't love the ending though. It would be a whole lot better if you ended at 'beacon, lighting' (I think, anyway). I'm also not convinced by the 'witchy' aspect (dancing unclothed beneath the moon), but that's probably just my personal prejudice. Try expanding it just a little - it leaves me somewhat unsated as it is. I'd recommend having a look at drnick's 'Lonely Road', it's something similar to this. As with the poem you just posted, I think this has good potential but needs work. Have a look round at other poems here, leave comments with people and you should hopefully get other people giving you advice and ideas back.
Re: I Remembered, Upon Waking by Alizarin_Crimson	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	24-Mar-06/2:56 PM
A haunting quality to knowing the depth of oneself. Very much enjoyed the eerie feel and then wishing never to have known... (I was drawn to your poetry from your user name, it's a lovely color)