Dovina
on A look inside [someone real} by Garrett S Sexton
25 Mar 2006, 9:27 AM
as soon as you do the most basic of edits on this mess, I will loook at it again.
I've been a fool, and I've written instead, and I'm still a fool, easily led. I wish I could get it together like you have. Good Villanelle.
Ain't it the truth? I like how you lured the reader in by making the first 3 statements (lines 2-4) things that we could all accept easily and then "set the hook" with what you really wanted to say. It was hard to disagree. Are you smiling?
Screamed 'I love you' sounds a little forced. It's as if someone was forcing them to do it.
How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'
then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
"-and I shall make you fishers of men." -Some dude.
âwedding nightâ and âmurderâ an interesting combination, makes for an interesting poem. It gets a little eerie and ends well ~ much like the combination. Nice format of the stanzas.
Plenty of replies to sift through, interesting and some humorous I must add. My take on this poem is rather simple, that 183 is just that person, that next soul trying to find her own significance in the scheme of things. Arenât we all? I enjoyed this and appreciated the attempt at defining the importance of being ~ 183, as if a person but taken in numbers.
This self ode for when death comes knocking at YOUR door, by my interpretation anyway.
S1, L2-I don't believe to be necessary to your theme; if love is one of your main themes in this poem, it is not brought out strong enough to be noticed, so this line seems to come from nowhere. The rest of this stanza however, introduces your theme quite accurately.
S2 is brilliant in meaning & very touching.
In S3, you bring out many good lines & keep steady with the theme, which is pertinent for your reader...for instance I thought L1 & L2 in S3 have powerful clarity for your final "wishes", which will overall deeply touch the reader. I liked your theme but might recommend using more poetical elements, such as imagery, metaphor, detail & not so much generalization. Crystal clear theme though.
Terse fits because it's a feeling that time has been lost, where did it go, how could it be wasted.... Daily hum drum of life and will you look back with regrets. Enjoyed this.
Words all jumbled up on paper,how clever?
OH and the use of God, how apt!
The new Terry Pratchett novel?
Should be at least 70,000 WORDS?
The last line is good, but the rest needs attention to construction. Make it more poetic.
I think your title could have been ' Tulip boy'....it's more focused on him. and line 8 could read ' with neither purse nor name'. This is pretty good and conveys a scene I remember from Mussoorie (India) at the base of the Himalayas, where I first saw tulips.... the red and yellow flames. Keep writing!
Isn't amazing grace already directly in your path? Must you search for it? And don't you already know how to change your life? Sorry, but it seems you are asking the wrong questions.
Mmmm hmmm... dosh it is... I love to paint and the picture comes to life with the brushstrokes of your words. Paint on.
I'm facinated with circular poems. You can start anywhere, and the thing just keeps turning. Imagine it written on the edge of a circle - all one curving line, with punctuation, but no way to know where to start.
see: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
The first two verses are said so many times in poetry that unless you say it differently, it's a big yawn. In the third verse you begin something arguably unique. But the words "You will hear" stand there with no support like a street preacher. It could be a good poem, holding the same ideas, but better formed.
I found this poem quite fascinating ~ to watch the âmeâ and âIâ disappear, finding a hollow place to hide the emotions and personal experiences.
Also enjoyed reading your response ~ one of my majors back in college years was sociology and I considered the field⦠but part of what you wrote, the secondary traumatic stress disorder ~ it does take a thick skin and a special person to not internalize the abuse, yet be there for the person. Kudos to you for your chosen career.
I've only seen snow a couple of times in my life, when I visited cousins in Maryland and a ski trip in Colorado.. We had snow the winter before Katrina ~ something rarely seen in New Orleans. I have come to associate one with the other (snow ~ hurricane), oddly enough and hope to never have snow here again.
Though the joy you expressed in this poem makes me long for a mountain trip before it melts.