ecargo
on Cohoma Scott King by rahson_s
28 Mar 2006, 7:01 AM
Not bad, very descriptive.
Reads like lyrics sans chorus. Not bad. Last verse doesn't scan right.
LOVED IT!
This is good. But I would rather you modify the last line a bit. Some thing like, 'if only you will let him in.'
As for comments, ignore what might bother you. Let each one have their say, as long as you stand your ground.
Here's my challenge to you: Write a poem about God that never overtly mentions him or anything else that would be directly linked to the bible. Use metaphor or whatever you can think of to make it work. Here's an example: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
A fish is an animal that lives in a brook.
He can't write his name or read a book.
To fool the humans is his only thought,
And even though he's slippery, he still gets caught.
So you better watch out for what you wish:
You could grow up to be a fish.
I'm not into this as much as your others. The first line with "dead headstone" is off-putting. All headstones are dead, aren't they? I like the feathers rocking on the bay. The woman in a Bohemian skirt is confusing - could be you or someone else. Then in verse 2, the narrator could be the body under the headstone. Then the three "she" lines turn it back into a love poem.
It's hard to follow at the beginning, but the last 3 verses bring it together. Then on going back, it works well from Verse 2 on. Verse 1 seems disconnected.
Mollusced fangs? I get the gleaming white bit, but molluscs are a bit rubbery to be fangs.
Death's (need the apos).
Is "salten" a word (other than a place in Norway)? S/b "scythe."
I dunno. Very Caducus somehow (not particularly a judgment, just a statement).
Not bad, but some lines are a little awkard and you stagger back and forth with the rhythm, e.g.:
"The girls waiting to have their legs spread/I like to walk . . ." "who have their tears shed"; etc. Most are easy enough to fix, really, by paying attention to the rhythm and watching for artificial-sounding inversions (e.g., instead of "who have their tears shed," could be something like "I pity the romancers who have shed/their tears when all they need is a good lay." That way, too, you retain the iambic pentameter w/out contorting the line.
Clever, mostly, and fun.
Great poem!! Powerful theme that will smack any unassuming reader across the face. Tactful wording. Well thought-out. On a personal note: I am a guiltly audience member, glorifying the mere middle-man & not the prince. How ignorant mankind can be. Thank you personally for the slap.
The first line bewilders me. Mercury, lying on a plate, spreads out in what could be an oval, and reflects like a mirror. The poem makes sense after I pass that obstacle, and until mercury appears at the end. But there, it must be some metaphor. Okay, I must have it all wrong.
This made me laugh; it was funny, I'll give you that. I don't think this should be a rhyming sort of poem though, free verse would be more fitting for it's genre in my opinion. I read this merely as a comical scene with the only real poetical sense that you made it obvious by description how crude this "guest" was being. A light-hearted poem, which I am sure was your intention.
Once I read this poem a couple of times & also read the other comments on it, I see, I see. Very metaphorical, very well thought-out...like a heist or "murder scene" even. A great read none-the-less with deep metaphor, dramatic theme, words that grab, short but punctual. Emily Dickinson style. Great read!
You should try writing about something other than this "God" fellow.
Pretty good. Though I never get hangovers.
Heh--cute. There's nothing--NOTHING--worse than a gin-induced hangover. Ugh.