MacFrantic
on some deleted poem
29 Mar 2006, 10:54 AM
This is really good. I am astounded by the quality of your poetry. *9*
Wow - I said "whatever" after I read this as well.
Not your best by any means - but not truly bad. -7-
Are you at all interested in your poetry reflecting contemporary life, or are you affecting the role of a dandy purposefully? This is foppish.
Parts of this are fairly good - other parts - really suck quite frankly. Keep posting, because you have talent, this piece
just lacks it for the most part. Sorry.
Good idea, but it's a little dull--Poor Richard's without the wit. The Danish cartoon reference is disconnected and a little silly.
god'swife
on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
28 Mar 2006, 6:28 PM
The first line is very good. The next two lines are awful. Never us 'though' in a poem. It's theatrical and steals sincerity from everything it touches. This reads like a children's picture book. The penultimate line has a good metaphor, the storm being drowned out by wine. But again it's to ostentatious. I never heard of the moon being referred to as a child. Please explain.
Dovina
on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
28 Mar 2006, 6:29 PM
Very aptly timed considering tomorrow's total eclipse, where the moon will block the sun in Africa. They are saying pregnant women should not look at the spectical or their babies will be born with hair lips. And your poem is the stuff of myth, too. If you had written it three thousand years ago, it might have given birth to gods.
Poems for the last 300 years or more have expressed similar sentiments, but they are new for each new lover. Carry on, and try to make it as original as is possible with such a cloud of witnesses.
Did'nt know Nick-at-Night was holding a poetry contest.
This would win the 7th grade class by a hair.
A poem to last?
Unique character. Powerful form, slighly up it's own botty. 7
I love mirrors! Do you not?
This takes all there magic away.
Why?
Whats with you, and ya appearance?
HORRIBLE, JUST HORRIBLE!
Am I taking this to seriously?
4
Caducus - I took the time to actualy read this one - you did well I guess(though I hate to admit).A tad too abstract with some grammar gaffes. "noone - devils - devil's"
Not bad, but it seems too familiar, done.
ecargo
on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
29 Mar 2006, 7:17 AM
Comes off a little twee, Al, rather than tender.
'For my master runs not a finger through my hair'... Hmmm a nice ending to a lovely description. You're an abandoned old soul waiting desperately for His attention! If only I could put the scene I have in mind into words!
Well if the point of this so called poem is not to impress anyone this one succeeds. That little bio you give at the end(ABOUT THE ARTIST)is much closer to being poetry
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Jamie & Josh have split for good
though she clings.
He has slowly but gently
has pushed her away.
No kith nor kin, and a mind
not unlike a ten year old.
It was BIZARRE then that she dumped him.
He now, being a nice chap, had the perfect escape.
She had cancer young,
nearly died, so is clingy to Mum.
However,
Mum and 3 half sisters
(all by different dads)
treat her like Cinderella.
It's still a piece of crap but at least it flows better and is more interesting.
"It's still a good poem because it's real"
How the hell did you come up with this absurd notion? You don't have the first idea about poetry.
The first line about the pencil is good.
Garrett S Sexton
on The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
29 Mar 2006, 12:05 PM
Hobbit poems R funny.