Inspired by the channel 4 documentary 'jumpers 911'.

I like this. Something very autistic savant about it.

I like the simplicity and regret, but the fluency and word choice could be revised.

I've got this idea, maybe if you hide the rhymes instead of putting them at the end it'll give you that ghostly lingering feel. Let's see:

Hee--I like this a lot. It has a really cool feel to it, well expressed and paranoid in a humorous way. I love the first line and "uneasily damp" made me laugh out loud (in a good way). The windows are a nice added touch.

I gave this a 0 because not only is this poem about shit it really is a piece of shit!

Seems tired - like it's been done before now? It is a good poem - just not striking - "white-faced hills" and "rasberry girl" seems to have been written before? Or is it just my feeble mind?

This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read. Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader. In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag. shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary. My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!

Knowing what you have said about the narrator, this makes a lot of sense. Without knowing that, it would slip past me like a quiet cat. Perhaps you could hint with something like, "ears or not, I know you're there."

This is such a wonderful piece of work! It's so vibrant and exudes so much joie de vivre that it even had the power to perk me up after a long day of tedious resistors and capacitors. Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.

Is this for some reason almost funny? Or just acutely sad? Garrett - this seems to be pure unadulterated shit. Or is it just me?

I am confused as to what is going on here...the mother is the sky, and the father is light? Your niece is a source of her father? I like the thought here, I think you have a good idea, but I would suggest reworking the comparisons.

I like the idea you portrayed about being sunk into utmost despair, into hell.... Surely there must be some way of getting out of it, of feigning your way through the fisherman's fingers once the hook is taken out. Many a fish has escaped this way.

I dont know what you're doing but whatever it is its working and very well too.

So you don't like it then Mr. or Mrs. Anon. You could at least say why. All criticism is valid. P.S. I am now 30.

You show the terror and delite you feel when watching over a child perfectly. Terror for their safety and delite for their glee. Then you take off into wonderment and end with a self discovery. Not bad at all for a twee. -10-

While I see what's going on, the details seem too vague for such trauma. And the ending seems like the wail should come before the attempt, that is if the baby dies of choking. But again, that is uncertain.

Sorry, I don't get it.

POEMWANKER,SAYS IT ALL!

IN THE TRAY? KSKSKSKSSK