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9/11 - The Jumpers (Free verse) by Caducus Kodak graves
Imperial canvasses,
where the fallen made impact
as flesh spears
in soft pools
of voyeurs eyes.
Kodak graves,
desecrated by censorship
by memory assassins
in a white house
built on the land of free speech.
It happened,
pavements were portals
leaving a symphony
of haunting vellum drums.
It happened,
Allah was a household name
his beard an omen in cirrhus clouds,
Islamâs message was a 747
on a jouney to America
crash landing on Muslims.
It happened.
The jumpers jumped.
Twin towers fell
and what has risen ?
Up the ladder:
Scarlet Wyvern
Down the ladder:
Jenny
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Posted: March 30, 2006 6:22 AM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2006 6:23 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.1430435 Overall Rank: 5436 Comments:
[n/a]
Caducus @ 86.141.200.191
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30-Mar-06/6:24 AM
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Reply
Inspired by the channel 4 documentary 'jumpers 911'.
This is full of bad language, mixed metaphors, and factual errors. Also, ending a poem with a question is never a good idea.
factual errors?
"cirrus clouds". "747". "journey to America".
Besides that, you've somehow managed to make poetic writing sound even clumsier and less-poetic than normal speech.
Your skills have'nt risen - that's for sure!"the jumpers jumped"? "twin towers fell"? Come on - be a tad more crafty than this? Too basic.
You've picked the part of the poem which is basic yes. The klast stanza is possibly preachy maybe though i wanted to pose a question.
A lot of thought has gone into this, for instance cirrhus clouds are beard shaped and travel east to west,pavements were portals (to heaven? an epiphany of hope?) Kodak graves - hopefully thats obvious. I hope irony is in here too in stanza 2. These jumpers were often referred to as 'suicide jumpers' - harsh words from some especially in the fact that catholics go to hell if they take their own lives, but hell was forced upon these people and it was burn or die. I would feel like shit as a relative having people label my loved one as a suicide jumper because faith is tested in loss enough as it is without the wounding words of those that play god with statements. Poetry like this is always a taboo in a way but I tried hard to avoid cliche and trite images and the basic part was their to lead people to how they feel now years after, slightly desensitized and less raw from that day and re-evaluate how they feel about something that was attempted to be covered up when infact everyone knew. All Americans i know are educated, decent people except for one and he's the guy who wouldnt know the hole in his ass. Thabnks for reading it.
'Kodak graves' is great, as is 'Allah...his beard an omen in clouds' (regardless of whether or not they were actually cirrhus). I'd agree about the last stanza though.
Stanza three is magnificent. 602 view(s)
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