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Ghosts of years (rhymey edit) (Free verse) by ecargo
She wears the scratchy skirt she seldom wears-- the one for funerals and interviews and other stiff affairs, and even high-heeled shoes, the pinching kind that make her limp for days, and watches other ends unwind from spools of common thread, and tales unfold like maps laid flat, each well-marked route now stained and old, showing where these other sojourners had been, scored with fold-lines and faults of long use, worn and thin. And if she imagines that in resolution there’s some ragged judgment, well, who can blame her? She welcomes this end, needs the final hangnail tear of separation, thinly weeping but clean and clearly healing, frustration almost bloodless, already purged and shouted out, unlike these many others here, who spurt their hurt in gouts or drip steadily from injuries inflicted, partings like a briar tangle of lives entwined, where hope ends trapped and mangled. But not for her, not for them, whatever “them” remains, most of it long spent, no longer subject to the pain and strains of extrication, and even anger mostly gone or mostly going. They’ve both moved on, as much as one moves on, with, maybe, a small, dull throb still left to probe, some phantom limb all that's left between them, a specter hand of what once was and now is out of promise. And in the marble vault, she waits her turn and in he comes, neat suited as he’d seldom been, the final end, with roses and a champagne toast to raise with her in burying their ghosts.

Up the ladder: Duff firs, Nawal
Down the ladder: Why Do We Stay?

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.666667
Weighted score: 5.9861183
Overall Rank: 1322
Posted: March 27, 2006 12:44 PM PST; Last modified: March 29, 2006 1:34 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 27-Mar-06/6:46 PM | Reply
It's hard to follow at the beginning, but the last 3 verses bring it together. Then on going back, it works well from Verse 2 on. Verse 1 seems disconnected.
[n/a] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > Dovina | 28-Mar-06/6:25 AM | Reply
Hmm. You know, I dislike the ending so much I didn't even think to dislike the beginning. ;) I see what you mean though--the details are, I dunno, extraneous maybe. Thanks for the comment. I'd comment on your latest but, honestly, I'm not really sure what to make of it.
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 30-Mar-06/9:19 AM | Reply
I've got this idea, maybe if you hide the rhymes instead of putting them at the end it'll give you that ghostly lingering feel. Let's see:
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > ALChemy | 30-Mar-06/9:29 AM | Reply
She wears the scratchy skirt she seldom wears--
the one for funerals
and interviews
and other stiff affairs,
and even high-heeled shoes,
the pinching kind that make her limp for days,
and watches other ends
unwind from spools of common thread,
and tales unfold like maps laid flat,
each well-marked route
now stained and old,
showing where these other sojourners had been,
scored with fold-lines
and faults of long use,
worn and thin.
And if she imagines
that in resolution
there’s some ragged judgment,
well, who can blame her? She welcomes this end,
needs the final hangnail tear of separation,
thinly weeping but clean and clearly healing,
frustration almost bloodless, already purged
and shouted out, unlike these many others here,
who spurt their hurt in gouts
or drip steadily from injuries inflicted,
partings like a briar tangle
of lives entwined, where hope ends trapped and mangled.

But not for her, not for them,
whatever “them” remains, most of it long spent,
no longer subject to the pain and strains
of extrication, and even anger mostly gone or mostly going. They’ve both moved on, as much as one moves on,
with, maybe, a small, dull throb still left to probe,
some phantom limb all that's left between them,
a specter hand of what once was
and now is out of promise.
[n/a] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > ALChemy | 30-Mar-06/9:53 AM | Reply
Wow--hey, thanks. I agree re: the end rhymes--it makes it too stiff. I like the idea of hiding the rhymes--I'll play around with it. I wanted it to be lighter, too--haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for taking the time to play with this--freshens it.

My friend whose story this is (in that it's how her divorce went down--the ex showed up at the courthouse with flowers, etc., to "celebrate" their official ending) told me the postscript to the story yesterday (she was a little taken aback that I wrote a poem about it). After the court session, they went back to their then-shared shop (she owns a sign company; he's a welder) and took some "parting" pics and then he went off to the local whorehouse where he was refused, er, service because he was so well dressed they assumed he was a cop. She thought that was a hilarious ending to their ending. Now there's my poem. ;)
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > ecargo | 30-Mar-06/1:01 PM | Reply
When I started reading the first few lines with their long sentenced rhyme scheme it reminded me of Benny Hill.
Maybe this will give you some ideas for lightening your poem up.
http://www.lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/e/erniethefastestmilkmaninthewest.shtml
You might have to copy and paste, it's a long url.
[6] matt door @ 65.32.138.73 | 30-Mar-06/8:53 PM | Reply
Good thoughts - yet the words fail this poem. Too many words are used - it stains your meaning with feckless hot air.
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