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Piano (Free verse) by Dovina I used to pause in the doorway
just to take it in,
and late at night I pictured it there,
a monster standing on three legs,
with enormous stringy mouth.
She calls it the largest, heaviest,
most beautiful thing in her house,
shows her students the scale,
says itâs the mother of chords,
and chords can bring you tears or smiles.
But no one listens to scales,
or praises the lines they cling to.
Every line a steppingstone,
good for climbing up and down.
Boy, is climbing fun, she says,
does it ever get you jazzed,
fine-tuned and ready for chords.
So I fingered the scales,
walked the lines,
harmonized chords,
and never got jazzed.
The terrible Yamaha,
its wide stage,
white spears and black daggers,
those monstrous teeth.
She never said theyâd chew me up.
Up the ladder:
Autumn
Down the ladder:
Royal Blades
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: March 6, 2006 12:42 PM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2006 12:42 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2559 Comments:
You need a more satisfying ending. The rest of it I really liked.
You probably say that every time.
pretty interesting. i think the allegory could be pushed a bit more, with all the references to scales, much they way you "played" on the teeth (double entendre intended).
overall, sounds like a traumatic experience....
I played on the teeth of an alligator once because I liked his smile.
Start by taking out all the unecessaries. The -but, the- ands etc. you're really on to something here. I like it. 8.5 though an easy ten. working my way home. Can't wait to get back to "normal". It's been a bad run this time out. Thanks to all for "holding down the fort".
Tough truckin' eh? The fort held despite onslaughts from the Allen Boy. Lower the drawbridge, Rudyard, I see a Gimmy in white.
Yes, yes, yes...needs fine tuning (oh dear I didn't even realise how bad a pun that was until after I said it...) but this could be on its way to greatness.
And a fine pun it is. But could you tighten up on those out-of-tune strings just enough to show me what you mean.
Sure thing. I love the image of a piano as a monster; it's something that would have never occurred to me! So muchos credit for originality. However, the scales were all but crying out to be embellished; the hide of a dragon or alligator sprang to mind (particularly when you then talked about smiles and tears, and then stepping stones; perfect crocodile material in my book - if the imagery is already meant to be there, it just needs teasing out a little more).
You seem to be suggesting in stanza 4 that you thought you could tame the monster (mastery of music, yes?) If so, I would love to see you talking about tying it up with chords. Cheesy wordplay I know, but it would make my day! You might also want to consider playing with the danger - the harm(onies). Seriously, I know they sound like awful puns, but it could work. If I'm going too far with these, feel free to throw things at me - chairs, tables, pianos etc. 'Jazzed' feels great in this piece - perhaps combine it with the teeth, make me think 'jagged'. I really do like the 'white spears and black daggers', although as far as connotations go it's almost a complete reversal - I think black spears and white daggers (Zulus and colonial field marshals). 'These monstrous teeth' - great line, and despite the relative simplicity of it I think the last line is very good, very effective too. Use these ideas as you wish - it could be that they lend too much weight to the 'monster' imagery and detract from the music...see what you think.
Wow, âscalesâ used as a pun for crocodile scales, which reminds of crocodile tears. And crocodiles smile too, did you know that? So smiles, tears and scales are crocodile puns. Then chords can also the bonds that tie up the monster. But you push me too far with âharm(onies)â â cheesy indeed. Then there is jazzed and jagged, the beginning and the end. Thanks, thatâs what Poemranker should be.
I didn't know that crocodiles smile, but I always pictured them having very smug expressions on their faces just before they ate the hapless explorer...
Yeah, I thought harmonies might be going too far - who knows, maybe it'll feature some other time? (Yes, I admit to being unnecessarily optimistic sometimes...) Anyway, I look forward to seeing what you do with this poem!
'Every line a steppingstone,
good for climbing up and down. Boy, is climbing fun, she says, does it ever get you jazzed, fine-tuned and ready for chords' you almost had it there - shame the fifth line didn't make it. using monster/monstrous - too much. The word gets deflated. I think the story is okay but the ending is poor. As if you were through but the poem wasn't.
re: "using monster/monstrous - too much. The word gets deflated."
My hyperbole has slunk and lost its tension, like a hyperbola in limp conic section where once pricked the sharp point of a cone - is that what you mean?
The three legged monster with a large stringy mouth..... I take you you haven't had very good experiences with the Piano. Good description of it though!
I smiled with this read and loved the ending especially. I used to teach piano and laughed to think students might agree with the ending of this one.
Not your students, surely. Not unless they're like me.
Lol.. I don't know if the students thought the monster was the piano or the teacher. When I greet my piano this afternoon, it will be with your poem in mind. Now I know why the cats stay away from it. *smiles* Truly enjoyed this write..
"Why the Cats Stay Away from My Piano" by Scarlet
They have no sense of rhythm, no ear for an E What they seek in a piano is fluffy, carefree They don't want to practice scales are a chore they need to be dropped in behind the black door Bad, okay.
:)
Whiskers caught between the keys sharpening claws on a flat note piano lid comes crashing down tail in trap, "Meow" she wrote
Much better than mine. Go for it!
:) Nahhhh.. that was just a fun response, inspired by yours and an attempt to return the smiles. :)
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It'll also be a heavenly word for those people who like to affect a poor upper-class inflection to their accent.
And while we're on the Wales jokes, it's time for the mandatory terrible pun. 'Why is Wales so wet? Because of all the leeks.'
In normal circumstances I would have avoided saying that at all costs. But all this talk of crocodiles, whales, prawn(e)s and Wales demands it.