poemranker ::Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20

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Free verse № 139574

Revised Dream (Final Version)

by Wakeboarder20

Member since 2005 · Posted 24 Feb 2006 · Edited 8 Nov 2006 · 5 comments

Facing the unknown without fear, without knowledge or compromise. With the world by my side full of faith and confidence. Staring at the sun and never going blind. It’s been beat to a pulp scared up and overlooked. But I’ve always seen it as a sturdy rock to stand. See me as a fool but I'll always believe. Another day’s gone by. One more forgotten dream but this one's never lost. Take it to heart or ignore it but know in every way that this is a dream for all.

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mean 2.50 weighted 4.88 rank 9965 views 232 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

5 comments

[8] Ranger 24-Feb-06/6:01 AM Reply
Okay, I like the idea at the core of this - positive poems are getting rarer by the day. However, when you get into the description it is very cliched and - dare I say it - lacking in a bit of imagination. As some advance warning, the 'love/above' rhyme is certain to lose you marks here (it is possible the most used phrase in the world of poetry, although run close by 'hate/fate'). Also, 'fields of love' really doesn't work. Although I know in a way what you're saying, it's totally nonsensical. Have a listen to 'Fields of Gold' (by the Police, just in case you haven't heard it) for an example of mastery of this sort of imagery.
Essentially what I am trying to say here is that this poem will be very good if you can make it original. Read a lot of poetry on here and note all the recurring phrases/rhymes/images. Then avoid them like the plague. Your imagination will do the rest.
I look forward to seeing any revisions of this.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › Ranger 24-Feb-06/10:06 AM Reply
I've revised it some. I doubt this will be my final revision because this is about my tenth revision so far. I would just like to know if you feel I'm going in the right direction. Thank you.
[8] Ranger › Wakeboarder20 24-Feb-06/10:18 AM Reply
Yes, it is certainly an improvement - I really am glad you took out 'fields of love'. Keep adding to this as you think up new images - as I've said, originality is the key.
Now, you will probably want to kick me for saying this, but in my opinion the content would be improved if the faith aspect was toned down a little. I'm not saying do away with it - the poem's obviously centred around it - but I think that it would make it easier for you to invent around if you toned down the theology somewhat; this would also allow for more creative poetry. However, I also think you should wait for other people to give you feedback, because others might disagree with me on this point.
Keep up the good work!
[8] Ranger › Ranger 24-Feb-06/10:20 AM Reply
Ah, I also see that you're struggling for comments on your poems; my advice (as always) is to give other people feedback first, otherwise they're going to be less inclined to comment on your works. Give and take, and all that jazz.
I'll vote on this when it's nearer completion.
[n/a] Scarlett 24-Mar-06/2:07 PM Reply
What pulls me into this poem is the repetition ~ it does sound prayer-like. I agree with Ranger that a positive based poem is refreshing.