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Mid-July (Free verse) by Ranger
Night lay thick in mid-July -
Sombre clock was softly speaking
Pallid face a moon, a beacon
Desperate spectre stood there, seeking
For the secret to deny
Fever's haste that would arise along the final, failing cries
Of those condemned with no reprise
Fades to faint, despairing sigh
Sickness conquers in disguise of breath serene, of Death denied
Frustrated search for holy prize
But tonight a daughter dies -
Dying breath was all I saw
At this grim-toned voice I trembled
For it seemed that there assembled
Cerberus, her eyes resembled
Citadels of steel and gore
Now her face, her features laid in portrait's mirror - lines and shading
Turned to chapel hall she prayed in
Tell me! Tell me, I implore!
Must she lay in darkness fading - pine cask, lilies all arrayed in
Lines; a stone wall barricading
Will she see tomorrow's dawn?
Standing by this fire, this haven
Where she oft shone - still I, craven
Could not face the knowledge, braving
Grief; another heart at war
Chill by flame and ash cascading, broken, yet I took the painting
Canvas frame she sat displayed in
Noting every fault and flaw
Bright, her stare began to smoulder
Dancing blaze upon her shoulder
Promised she would grow no older
Solemnly this oath they swore
Swore that she would ever lie
Burning as the tongues devoured
Love's last smile, that ghastly hour
Never wilting, ember's flower
Looking back with shining eyes
Fever gone, the last goodbyes; the sound and silence harmonise
Oh Death! - whose hand I do despise -
Lead her gently this July
By her bedside crystals bleeding
Light turns sapphire, darkness ceding
Clutching sorrow, sadness leading
Lead her gently this July
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.894737
Weighted score: 6.8048773
Overall Rank: 394
Posted: March 17, 2006 2:09 PM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2006 4:36 PM PST
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Comments:
347 view(s)
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[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[X] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[X] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[X] Overabundance of ellipses
[X] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[X] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment
That having been said, I'll get rid of the warning...I was kind of hoping someone would tell me it wasn't necessary.