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Mid-July (Free verse) by Ranger
Night lay thick in mid-July - Sombre clock was softly speaking Pallid face a moon, a beacon Desperate spectre stood there, seeking For the secret to deny Fever's haste that would arise along the final, failing cries Of those condemned with no reprise Fades to faint, despairing sigh Sickness conquers in disguise of breath serene, of Death denied Frustrated search for holy prize But tonight a daughter dies - Dying breath was all I saw At this grim-toned voice I trembled For it seemed that there assembled Cerberus, her eyes resembled Citadels of steel and gore Now her face, her features laid in portrait's mirror - lines and shading Turned to chapel hall she prayed in Tell me! Tell me, I implore! Must she lay in darkness fading - pine cask, lilies all arrayed in Lines; a stone wall barricading Will she see tomorrow's dawn? Standing by this fire, this haven Where she oft shone - still I, craven Could not face the knowledge, braving Grief; another heart at war Chill by flame and ash cascading, broken, yet I took the painting Canvas frame she sat displayed in Noting every fault and flaw Bright, her stare began to smoulder Dancing blaze upon her shoulder Promised she would grow no older Solemnly this oath they swore Swore that she would ever lie Burning as the tongues devoured Love's last smile, that ghastly hour Never wilting, ember's flower Looking back with shining eyes Fever gone, the last goodbyes; the sound and silence harmonise Oh Death! - whose hand I do despise - Lead her gently this July By her bedside crystals bleeding Light turns sapphire, darkness ceding Clutching sorrow, sadness leading Lead her gently this July


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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 40
.. 71
.. 10
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10
.. 11
.. 02

Arithmetic Mean: 6.894737
Weighted score: 6.8048773
Overall Rank: 394
Posted: March 17, 2006 2:09 PM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2006 4:36 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 12.72.27.49 | 17-Mar-06/4:15 PM | Reply
An old-time Poe sadness, and just as good as Poe.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 17-Mar-06/4:23 PM | Reply
Just as good as Poe? Now that certainly is a compliment! Thank you! And yes - this sprung from a dreadful glosa I tried writing which had a quatrain from The Raven (what else?) as its basis. I love the rhythmic tricks he plays, but it's a bugger to ape in a glosa.
[9] Dovina @ 12.72.27.49 > Ranger | 17-Mar-06/4:28 PM | Reply
And to pimple too. Take out that warning, please. It's unfounded.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 17-Mar-06/4:36 PM | Reply
It is too a pimple. To prove so, I would like to borrow the Pimple Checklist (courtesy of -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. Enterprises) to prove my point:

[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[X] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[X] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[X] Overabundance of ellipses
[X] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[X] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment

That having been said, I'll get rid of the warning...I was kind of hoping someone would tell me it wasn't necessary.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 17-Mar-06/4:41 PM | Reply
P.S. Please may I have my 9 back =D
[10] ecargo @ 63.22.84.46 > Ranger | 19-Mar-06/5:44 PM | Reply
Holy mackerel, Ranger! Well, if I remember the proper scoring method when using the Pimple Checklist, I must score 10 or the number of checked boxes, whichever is least. So, er, let's see--that's 10! Which I'd give you anyway--nicely gothic and ghastly and the rhyme scheme is dead on and a credit to Poe worship. Very cool.
[8] MacFrantic @ 172.191.209.109 | 18-Mar-06/12:04 AM | Reply
Pretty good, true to form. A bit of an awkward read, something about the rhythm. Still enjoyable. *8*
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 18-Mar-06/7:12 AM | Reply
Poe often rewrote his poems even after publishing them. He was THAT anal about them. Good stuff but these are the kind of poems you'll keep messing with.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ALChemy | 18-Mar-06/7:22 AM | Reply
Too true. You cannot imagine the amount of changes I've made to this, and there is still a substantial amount I want to alter.
[9] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.221 | 18-Mar-06/9:31 AM | Reply
Well, I *was* going to begin this post with "Quoth the Raven: nevermore", but after reading other comments it seems a bit redundant...

The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.

Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!

"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.

I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.

That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Niphredil | 18-Mar-06/9:59 AM | Reply
*beams roundly*

You've picked up on the major points that I was (and still am) concerned about (I did notice 'lay' was wrong, why I didn't change it is beyond me...)
I wasn't sure whether or not I could get away with 'reprise'...I thought maybe I could twist the meaning a little for it (renewal of life, perhaps) but I don't think it works.
With the Cerberus part, I was talking about the girl (not my daughter, if I have one I'm certainly not aware of her!) The initial draft was 'For it seemed that Hell assembled/Cerberus, her eyes resembled', as if I were seeing the underworld in her dying stare, but I felt that 'Hell' was a little too...well, pimply for this piece.
As ALChemy said; this piece will probably take about a million more edits to get right.
Thanks for all the feedback so far!
[9] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.221 > Ranger | 18-Mar-06/10:31 AM | Reply
ohhh... now I get it. I had the impression that the girl was your daughter because of
"But tonight a daughter dies",
but I guess you were talking about 'a daughter', in a general sort of way, not your own.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Niphredil | 18-Mar-06/11:19 AM | Reply
Ah, no I think I phrased that comment awkwardly. In the poem, she's the protagonist's daughter. But there's no correlation to any real-life event that I know of.
[9] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 19-Mar-06/1:20 AM | Reply
I likes..you shall have a 9.
[7] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.130.62.63 | 19-Mar-06/1:20 PM | Reply
I unctiously clutched my eggs. I could tell Jesu was hungry and telepathically searching for burrows of yolk and peeps... Boulders would roll. He was hung, and ALIVE!
[10] deleted user @ 141.163.84.17 | 20-Mar-06/1:48 AM | Reply
Dis is da s***
[9] Caducus @ 86.144.226.63 | 21-Mar-06/4:59 AM | Reply
like citadels of steel and gore and much of the imagery you use in here is well thought out and written. The longer lines disrupt the flow compared to the concise images preceding and folowing them so work on that and you have yourself a belter here.

One of the best from you me thinks :-)
[n/a] Ranger @ 86.131.48.199 > Caducus | 23-Sep-06/2:34 AM | Reply
You know, it's taken me a long time but I think you're right about the longer lines - thank you :-D
[10] Scarlett @ 66.210.233.6 | 24-Mar-06/9:09 AM | Reply
Best I've read here thus far. Beautiful flow, beautiful form. Will come back for repeated reads just to sink into the river current that charges these words..
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Scarlett | 24-Mar-06/1:21 PM | Reply
Thanks Scarlett - that's made my day (well, evening anyway)! It's weird, but when I drafted this first I thought it was utter rubbish - I'm glad I stuck with it now =D
Good to see you about!
[9] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 30-Mar-06/12:27 PM | Reply
Wow!

An enjoyable read!
[2] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.178.126.155 | 16-May-06/5:31 AM | Reply
Goes on a bit. A bit over-written ("Oh Death!....) Not bad though.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Edna Sweetlove | 16-May-06/5:32 AM | Reply
Yeah, I thought Poe took his time ranting over that damn bird too.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 172.133.177.77 | 10-Oct-06/1:00 PM | Reply
Cheers!
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > INTRANSIT | 10-Oct-06/1:04 PM | Reply
*raises glass*
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