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Mid-July (Free verse) by Ranger

Night lay thick in mid-July - Sombre clock was softly speaking Pallid face a moon, a beacon Desperate spectre stood there, seeking For the secret to deny Fever's haste that would arise along the final, failing cries Of those condemned with no reprise Fades to faint, despairing sigh Sickness conquers in disguise of breath serene, of Death denied Frustrated search for holy prize But tonight a daughter dies - Dying breath was all I saw At this grim-toned voice I trembled For it seemed that there assembled Cerberus, her eyes resembled Citadels of steel and gore Now her face, her features laid in portrait's mirror - lines and shading Turned to chapel hall she prayed in Tell me! Tell me, I implore! Must she lay in darkness fading - pine cask, lilies all arrayed in Lines; a stone wall barricading Will she see tomorrow's dawn? Standing by this fire, this haven Where she oft shone - still I, craven Could not face the knowledge, braving Grief; another heart at war Chill by flame and ash cascading, broken, yet I took the painting Canvas frame she sat displayed in Noting every fault and flaw Bright, her stare began to smoulder Dancing blaze upon her shoulder Promised she would grow no older Solemnly this oath they swore Swore that she would ever lie Burning as the tongues devoured Love's last smile, that ghastly hour Never wilting, ember's flower Looking back with shining eyes Fever gone, the last goodbyes; the sound and silence harmonise Oh Death! - whose hand I do despise - Lead her gently this July By her bedside crystals bleeding Light turns sapphire, darkness ceding Clutching sorrow, sadness leading Lead her gently this July

Niphredil 18-Mar-06/9:31 AM
Well, I *was* going to begin this post with "Quoth the Raven: nevermore", but after reading other comments it seems a bit redundant...

The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.

Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!

"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.

I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.

That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.




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