i love similes. this is a great story as well as a poem, and the loss conveyed within it is very moving.

i luh'dis shit! but not shit in a bad way, shit in a great way! like gold shit made from rubies too!

modest rat? modest mouse? ehh? Ehh? (it's my favorite band). This makes me think of the sanitation worker strike in chicago (lots of rats).

this is sad.. but i like it.

sounds like fun!

smoking is fun! but seriously, i enjoyed this. smoke is a wonderful device to describe fluidity and infiltration.

hahaha, love it!

HAHAHAHAHAHA, it's funny cuz it's true. woops.

This only grated. Only annoyed.

Redundant and trite.

Too many we's. Too much demanded acceptance of poet's view.

The warmth of felt. ... Nice touch.

All I can say chaps is thanks so much. I haven't written anything for months so putting this up was a eral test of nerve for me, I'm really glad to have got a positive response. And Bachus, you may have something with that 'and'...

I like the last line a lot, but 'bull-mo- just sounds wrong - I think you want something a little more guttural, less weak.

Yep, a good pay off in that last stanza - you brought it round well, because the preceding few lines sound a bit gauche and awkward, but in the event that was just the tone you wanted so you could undercut it with your final sentence. Cuning.

What?

I haven't seen any of your others, but this one isn't too bad, but there's one extra syllable in the first line. and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).

I think Darky is right on the money with this one. Each verse seems to take the reader off to a new place...without ever returning...it all seems so disjointed. However, the imagery and harmonic flow is outstanding. Then again, I could be an idiot and you a genius... I continue to be amused and somewhat perplexed by our preoccupation with religion...particularly the rancid descriptions of christian worship that dwell on this website. I wonder what lies at the bottom of this perverted preoccupation. With all there is to talk about..why..why..why... -10- for style -3- for substance... Remember....Starkist likes tunas that taste good not tunas with good taste.

The only better title I can think of is "beer, beer, beer" (j/k). Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.

Well, it has a shock factor. By L8 I was fairly medicated then WACK. Having said that - it seems like a sucker punch. From a sociopolitical viewpoint I really expected the child molestation angle as soon as I read the title, I just got lulled into thinking it was about something else. Sneaky little hobitses.