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blue lilac and I (edit) (Free verse) by richa sitting by the stream
silvered in pike,
and picking from still air
the e-minor of trombone
I could see the craned neck
of blue lilac in shade
bowl faced to the sun
like a beggar,
so succinctly put
was its life and mine
Up the ladder:
what little I know
Down the ladder:
BREATH
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.869565
Posted: August 7, 2003 6:10 AM PDT; Last modified: August 7, 2003 7:33 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.835939 Overall Rank: 329 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
As it is written now, the blue lilac and berry plant (bush? ewww, even typing the word makes me cringe--but I digress) are, syntactically, sitting by the stream, so, yup, needs some work there. Maybe get rid of "hid" for starters, so it's
sitting by the silvered stream of mackeral and pike (lotta fish in that thar stream--btw, it's mackerel, with an e, and I think they're salt water fish) [and]picking from the still air . . . . . . fields the blue lilac and berry (maybe make it a specific type of berry and lose plant altogether?) [lose "hid?" After all, you can see them, right?] under the trees could be seen to crane . . . Something like that? Or not. Not sure I get "put" their life and mine in this context--or, at least, not sure "put" delivers here.
Real real good.
a beautiful piece richa.. well done.
Silvered in pike
Damn Damn Damn ! Kudos in abundance and you got it 9
God I'm a tight bastard this so a 10.
As Jim Royle would say in a mancunian drawl '9 my arse'
Nice edit--I like how you pared it down to the essential image. Some nits?
Pike are generally solitary (they're very aggressive) and they tend to hide, waiting for prey, so I don't think you would see a stream "silvered in pike." Maybe another freshwater fish--something that shoals?--would work better here. The trombone is disconnected from the rest of the poem now, without the band playing nearby [in our view]. Might something other than a trombone work here--something that works within the scene you've rendered? The devil's in the details! But that's not to take away from what is, at its core, really fine work.
Richa, I was thinking of Stanza one: silvered in pike could work but hatters has a point about the shoals. However it could work if you implied the stream was silvered by pike as the water was shallow thus - dying fish, trapped. You may be able to work with that but it may affect the brevity of the poem.
...angered by salmon.... but it doesn't fit the tone of your piece. I'm green with anchovies.Sorry, dont like the trombone. another instrument maybe.
Great. But yeah, like INTRANSIT said, the trombone? The trombone is such a circus instrument, makes it seem like this moment is going on in the background of a cakewalk. Is that what you are going for? The tone doesn't seem so jolly as to call for a trombone solo. That is my only complaint, 10.
I disagree. He heard the trombone. Why change what happened to suit our narrow predispositions? The trombone can be stately and somber if it so chooses.
Very nice richa.
E-minor is a chord, by the way, which would take multiple instruments to hear. This is unfortunate because the poem really enjoys having a solitary instrument, but also benefits from recognizing specifically an e-minor feel. Perhaps: 'and picking from the still air a dorian scent of trombone' (Dorian is a mode that has a minoresque feel to it and can be played with a series of notes on a single instrument.)
Ooh, this is a delicate one.
When the smelts are running the rivers really are silver though I could see if you didn't want to overplay the s sound. E minor doesn't have to be a chord, it could be a key, which I think is how you meant it. Try "the trombones minor key" as most people wouldn't know E from F to hear it, but could recognize Major from minor.
I wonder if the trombone is an actual sound or he heard the "fluting" of the flower. "bowl like" is mentioned earlier. another similar shape, maybe.
pardon me. "bowl faced".
Now that's poetry. Very nice indeed! ;)"bowl faced to the sun
like a beggar, so succinctly put was its life and mine" Well put!
Am I the only one not distinctly moved by this? I mean, a trombone? Seems like there's an oompah band just round the bend and I fund that higly amusing. Images of fat germans in Lederhosen and feathers in their cap spoiling this tranquil scene. It ruins the whole effect. Oboe, clarinet maybe, but trombone, no. There are far more emotive instruments than a trombone. And if this was me, I'd be blasted for the lack of capital letters. I quite like like 'silvered in pike' but pike arn't silver, they're green. Plus you won't find pike in a stream, they're too big, and prefer lakes to running water. They are also carnivorous, so are highly solitary creatures, you'd be lucky to get enough in one place for them to 'silver'. Apart from that there's some great stuff. 7
i luh'dis shit! but not shit in a bad way, shit in a great way! like gold shit made from rubies too!
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thanks.