Poemranker [Replying] Sat May 04 01:31:34 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

blue lilac and I (edit) (Free verse) by richa

sitting by the stream silvered in pike, and picking from still air the e-minor of trombone I could see the craned neck of blue lilac in shade bowl faced to the sun like a beggar, so succinctly put was its life and mine

ecargo

7-Aug-03/6:33 AM

As it is written now, the blue lilac and berry plant (bush? ewww, even typing the word makes me cringe--but I digress) are, syntactically, sitting by the stream, so, yup, needs some work there. Maybe get rid of "hid" for starters, so it's
sitting by the silvered stream of mackeral and pike (lotta fish in that thar stream--btw, it's mackerel, with an e, and I think they're salt water fish)
[and]picking from the still air . . .
. . . fields
the blue lilac and berry (maybe make it a specific type of berry and lose plant altogether?)
[lose "hid?" After all, you can see them, right?] under the trees
could be seen to crane . . .

Something like that? Or not. Not sure I get "put" their life and mine in this context--or, at least, not sure "put" delivers here.

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