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blue lilac and I (edit) (Free verse) by richa

sitting by the stream silvered in pike, and picking from still air the e-minor of trombone I could see the craned neck of blue lilac in shade bowl faced to the sun like a beggar, so succinctly put was its life and mine

ecargo 7-Aug-03/9:56 AM
Nice edit--I like how you pared it down to the essential image. Some nits?

Pike are generally solitary (they're very aggressive) and they tend to hide, waiting for prey, so I don't think you would see a stream "silvered in pike." Maybe another freshwater fish--something that shoals?--would work better here.

The trombone is disconnected from the rest of the poem now, without the band playing nearby [in our view]. Might something other than a trombone work here--something that works within the scene you've rendered?

The devil's in the details! But that's not to take away from what is, at its core, really fine work.




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