horus8
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 7:51 PM
Qweird.
Fun-key.
A tipper.
and apple peels hang noses... I an't help but laugh. Nice image.
Some lovely images here including the kitten bit (confusing though with drowning and kite string -
maybe just the effects of the rye and ergot fungus?)
at the start, can you do something with "sun falls down" - where else might it fall? Up?
"frost blow-touch" is noteable; nice.
I'm not going to pretend to understand about a quarter of it, but it has a nice flow nonetheless, so I'll just go along for the ride.
It is neat how it reads louder and louder as one gets further down the poem.
I do think the knob could be turned a bit faster though.
You might accomplish this by either trimming the extra words, "to his anger" to "it", for example and restructuring the line breaks (okay, that might be deconstructive criticsm... maybe it's REconstructive...)
The ending has a nice snap to it.
So, am I wrong about this - we only get three entries a week, right?
If I were to give you 3 dollars, would you eat one - or, if say I were to give you 3 apples... wait - get your own damn apples.
Although this may be true for these flowers, and I don't mean to be insulting, because they are likely near and dear to your heart, but I'm having trouble seeing/hearing the bigger picture.
Not getting the "ahhh, most exerrent..." moment; how it rings true for me.
And ah, what the hell, I sound like a prick already - it could do without the alliteration.
Hey - this rocks.
How you used such small and simple words to such great effect is, literally, beyond me. Ten; my first since I got here.
great start, last two lines: splat.
I keep thinking about a bathroom, then horseshoes - I NEED those last two lines dammit.
"where concrete and water
meet flush with each other." is very good.
You might have used whisper one too many times.
I was digging it until I hit the word "surreal" - this is close to something very good I think.
I'm sorry this might sound severe:
The moon *IS* the tide.
"on" foot
"Water runs where dug deep" - consider "waters runs deeply where dug" - oh christ, I don't know - something.
this is cute:
"enough to baptise every man
and a little left over to drink,
wash and spit"
"and apple peels hang noses
like a history" is interesting as hell - but I am clueless.
and enough with the similies! You use them like a goat herder uses vaseline.
Wow, I guess that wasn't so bad, was it?
These two lines are stunning, perhaps in a comedic way:
"Be a lapel on my chest
to stand as a stapled reminder [.]
[o]f what i've tried to digress to,
but never lived up to.
Never was able to."
btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 6:15 PM
This is awesome. You can be so profound, yet allow simplicity...nice...10.
Reincarnation with a twist. You are your own soul Mate?
Special K.
A prepositional phrase slugfest.
I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..."
Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
Simply put and to very good effect; I like it. I like it alot.
Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right?
Is damn good. 8 from the East German.