Garrett S Sexton
on B.F. by skaskowski
9 Oct 2003, 1:58 PM
sexy
Do.
great
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONLY PLEASE.
THANKS.
For something so long you'd better grab me very tightly fairly early on. I don't feel grabbed.
There's alot of information here, but the credibility of it gets tainted right at the start with statements like "Jesus made Pilot feel uncomfortable".
It sounds like a line made just for the sake of the rhyme (with trouble?). Unforced rhyming and solid information is *extremely* difficult.
Lots of good data, lots of great, interesting names - its just that the vehicle is a bit tedious.
And I will say, the last stanza is mostly superb.
Lastly - much of this is iambic pentameter, so I found myself trying to continue that to the not conforming lines; that makes it hard to get a consistent rythm.
Maybe you could string a couple sonnets together? Extend it by a bit to make a crown?
Good stuff.
not bad, a little long winded, I think it tries to deal with the beat 'beat' in a too reflective way.
Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).
Don't like the title though, it is a label
It may be just my poor reading of poetry, but is the and at the end of lines 2/3/4 necessary it seems to break up the flow..
'my drinking remembers thirst' is my favourite line
This one I just found boring.
Within a dang... Is that like 'don't give a dang (slang for damn)?
Even if it is a typo, this just does not do it for me. I am clearly not smart enough for the last line.
Nice!
Flows really well, is entertaining - the timing of the ending is perfect.
a small nit: dumpt the "that" after "shit" and the "the" after "to" as in "Not the shit they sell to tourists."
Pretty awesome, really.
should be "heart[']s" I think tho.
None of the rhyming seems forced, which is cool.
If you are so moved, maybe you could consider replacing the second "the 3 words" with "them"? It might just be me, but I felt distracted by the duplication (as if I was missing something, thinking "it must be so for a reason").
Can't really hear it as a lyric,
nevertheless nice wordplay, and poetic language with something more concrete
how sweet, life is shit she makes it (a bit) better
somehow chillingly reminiscent
the rhyme with sheep is a bit daft though
shades of john k, a fine parody
possibly should not have to tell the reader it is a parody
Don't know what a Jonquil is.
Good capture "i feel old..."
ah.
yes.
wait, let me read it
again
ah.
and again.
yes.
another incredible piece from one of the best.
Lai