Re: The lightest touch by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/11:40 AM
Could not picture what was flashing ruby fright. A cop car? Not clear enough to me, some nice imagery there.
Re: A hard life by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/11:42 AM
liked your Eskimo and Fish poem much more, used many of the same lines and ideas.
Re: Vulgar peoples by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/11:45 AM
Yes, we send rocketships up into space... I don't see the connection between "vulgar peoples, rocketships, the passage of time, and with people gone, peace--leaving ashes and embers. I think it would help to make the connection more clear. Just because we send up rocketships we are vulgar? too unclear for me.
Re: Angels Struggle by SupremeDreamer	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/11:50 AM
Some lovely lines. A few discordant ones: "His fear holds him dear", "needles poking forth" I'd remove the comma after "his circle of pain and joy". Also- I think it should be: Humanity's struggle i.e. the struggle of humanity. You capture strong emotion, passion; I see this as describing Jesus Christ or a Christ-like figure. Like the ending a lot.
Re: What am I doing? by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/11:52 AM
Wow. intense.
Re: Panning for gold by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/11:55 AM
small grammar fix: its cage (no apostrophe)I love the last 6 lines, love "cree-yaw" for the bird screeching against being imprisoned.
Re: Charlie by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/11:56 AM
Hi, Charlie (the goldfish?)!
Re: Bleeding V2 by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/11:57 AM
Well said!
Re: Fueled hearts by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:00 PM
Sheets as a stand-in for streets did not work well for me-- Liked much of this!"Don't burden about crashing; burden doesn't fit well there- just use "worry" or some similar word, I would recommend. cute metaphor.
Re: Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/12:02 PM
Loved the rhythm of this. One jarring word: hobby, broke the vision and feel of the poem.
Re: Today by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/12:06 PM
Like how you "make the gloom" (I've gloomed) and it becomes a tangible thing in the room. Might be stronger if you use a different word to describe a darkening instead of gloomy in the first line.
Re: One liners for the ladies by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/12:07 PM
I enjoyed these! Honey works!
Re: Night-mare by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:08 PM
I like the mystery and suggestion in this. I see her tears as maybe indicating she feels she is getting older, less lovely with the passage of time. (A window in time is closing).
Re: There is no end by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:11 PM
grammatical fix: its machine- should not have an apostrophe there. Maybe drop the first exclamation point. Two in a row are too much and actually lessens the impact. Nice!
Re: Faith by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:17 PM
again: the word is its here--no apostrophe. Here is a simple rule of thumb to use to decide if "its" needs an apostrophe or not: If you can SUBSTITUTE it is, use it's. Otherwise, do not use an apostrophe. I like the metaphor, that faith is a fire, and how you carry the metaphor through the whole poem.
Re: An Agenda by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/12:19 PM
When you wrote extracating- do you mean extricating or extracting? The poem is too unclear to me. Whose agenda? What armada?
Re: A soldiers life by closeup	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:23 PM
small grammatical fix: soldier's life (use an apostrophe) soldier's death I'd use a comma between company and Ted, not a semicolon, which is used to separate 2 complete sentences. I assume Ted is the corpse. The poem does capture strong emotion, and certainly makes a strong point
Re: Frozen beauty by INTRANSIT	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/12:25 PM
I don't know that "looming" fits; loved all the rest of it.
Re: Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	1-Jan-21/6:29 PM
Using end of line rhymes but changing the scheme of the rhyme through the poem does not add to the poem. I would change it so it deliberately does not rhyme except for internal rhymes. You have some lovely lines and images but I do not see it really hanging together. I liked the ending from your original better, I REALLY like the lines "moves the feather/ thinking myself a bird. That is excellent!
Re: Palm Field Park by SupremeDreamer	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	1-Jan-21/6:39 PM
Learned a new word. Sonance. Thanks! (sound) A little cliche'd but sweet.