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Night-mare (Free verse) by INTRANSIT It used to be
her and
Contradiction.
Then there was
Romance.
A window in time
is closing
and she feels
sexy in Victorias
secret.
Tonight,
she slips into
satin
and tears.
Up the ladder:
...
Down the ladder:
Forever your girl
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.5
Posted: November 20, 2002 5:47 PM PST; Last modified: November 20, 2002 8:57 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.7019925 Overall Rank: 11980 Comments:
[4]
daniella @ 200.61.60.208
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20-Nov-02/6:14 PM
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Reply
did she want to shop at target and got there late without a date?
i once stole a mannequin.
this feels like clumsily-aimed cruelty. perhaps you will say it is brutal honesty, with a modicum of compassion. but i don't feel it. it is outside of you, and you are trying too hard to get in. false.
duo was better by far. because there was a thirst driving it, and passion in it.
I do seem to write better when I'm emotionally impaired?
I was going for an unfaithful girlfriend that expected boy to be faithful. Then a second girl "stole"him. limited time to correct.Her name is victoria and the same femme guile she used, she lost to as well as fragrances for women. How far off?
________________________________________
i get: washed-up ex-beauty stooping to Target, and used to think VS was top-o-the-line. sad.
I dun fuuuuuuuucked UP!
no. i miss things. somebody else might get it 110%
I'm not getting the story--what was the contradiction? And the romance?
Howsabout: The target window closes slowly, and she feels sexy in Victoria's secret. Tonight she slips into satin and tears. Looking at it sideways--umm, I dunno. My line breaks are very literal. It's my gift and my curse.
The contradiction is a fragrance and woman#1 expecting her beau to be faithful while she wasn't. Romance: Fragrance and woman#2 This hs nothing to do with target stores. Obviously that must go.
I have all the info i want in it. I dont like my line breaks though. Not cruelty. Definitely outside of me as I'm male,points for trying?
points for trying. show your wife. ask her. tehn write another. homework assignment #1.
Clarifying: Another under same idea?
I agree, fuckit. I'm too tired to care right now anyway. gotta move some fuckin fords.
This isn't as thought provoking and evocative as Dale, though I compare unfairly, I always find your work interesting and this is good but it needs something more. I feel this is a more emotional voyeuristic effort rather than stright from the heart.
It sounds like a middle piece lacking a beginning and an end, you normally set the scene so pictorially and it was only a drag of a cuban rather than the full George Burns. Work on it, give it more oooomphhh. ( vote holded for moment )
I like the mystery and suggestion in this. I see her tears as maybe
indicating she feels she is getting older, less lovely with the passage of time. (A window in time is closing). 240 view(s)
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