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Faith (Free verse) by INTRANSIT Fire leaps at the sky,
trying to lick every
star it can reach.
Does it not know itself?
Is it not aware of it's
earthly origin?
Yet it refuses to quit
jumping.
Reach fire, reach!
Leap away!
Up the ladder:
Suburbia in December
Down the ladder:
Chalk
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.125
Posted: October 20, 2002 2:41 PM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2002 6:00 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.302559 Overall Rank: 3664 Comments:
[8]
Christof @ 195.172.133.226
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21-Oct-02/4:28 AM
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Reply
Something of the Prometheus myth about this - I might cut out the 'Silly fire' line and try to compress the last four lines into another three line stanza, but that's just me, I like regular forms. Your central idea is good.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.189.171
> Christof
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21-Oct-02/6:01 AM
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Reply
Thanks for showing me how to add class to this, does the adjustment work?
Yep I think that's better - you're no longer talking down to the fire but you are urging it on its ambition.
Yes, thank you. I did want to encourage. I'm very happy with little pieces like this, so much can be said with so little.
i am not sure i like the fire being self-aware, but i do like this piece.
Just curious, what hangs you up about s-2? Ithink, technically I was pointing out that the fire wasn't self aware. Am I missing something? Do tell.
it is in the title: faith. faith is an amalgamated energy, given life by the masses. and its fire can be warming or searing. youare trying to make it self aware. there is danger here. there is heat aplenty without something as powerful as faith being given vision, nevermind thought. yes? so your innocent-seeming poem frightens me.
If I am reading you correctly, you're showing me the tails side of my quarter. That is scary, I wanted a positive message here and got duality instead, HMMMM. You definitely pulled something deeper than I had intended. I like that AND I'm saddened by it at the same time.
what do you want from me on this one? you must have known it inside for it to come out as it did; that's part of the reason i write: to see things that cannot be seen with the eye.
True. But I need to see what frightens you because I need to learn how to be careful with my words, I may write a piece that nobody likes that is truly innocent because I chose the wrong phrasing. No, I'm not trying to write for everyone. Thats improbable. But 50\50 makes me quite happy.
because that's how faith operates. no, strike that, make it 'that's how organized religion operates.' there. that's the frighteneing part. trying to surmount all that has power, so that it can control the faithful.
strive to write pieces that make people uncomfortable. "like" is immaterial. make them think instead. in mine, people like them because i seduce with sooth. but there are barbs aplenty in this thick skin, and if you touch, if you stray, you will find them. showing the ugly side at the same time as the pretty side is tricky stuff, and you did it well. so, why apologize?
Well then, I must thank you for your time! Fancy a Cognac?
how about a laphroaig, neat?
Made me think about fragility of our physical self, yet you explained phenomenon as a phenomonon and that makes this an intelligent piece - 8 -
again: the word is its here--no apostrophe.
Here is a simple rule of thumb to use to decide if "its" needs an apostrophe or not: If you can SUBSTITUTE it is, use it's. Otherwise, do not use an apostrophe. I like the metaphor, that faith is a fire, and how you carry the metaphor through the whole poem. 241 view(s)
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