| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Crossing the Mojave (Villanelle) by INTRANSIT He walks tattered terrain that crosses Mojave
As I pass and splash him with invisible tide
Washing him with time to talk to Agave.
Walking hot summits is certainly no hobby,
As voices crackle from deep inside,
Hearing tattered terrain that crosses Mojave.
Cold are the firebirds that he is robbing,
Though he cannot see them through dreary dry eyes
Still he sees time to talk with agave.
Shoe leather soul, through scrub brush he slovenly
treks-- I head for a pullout when I decide
to watch sand storming man cross the Mojave.
Las Cruces New Mexico, end of the Mojave.
Part of me wishes I were him I confide,
To have the time to talk with agave.
Now I see him the King Salmon; I the crappie
garnering nothing but his dark ghostly guide.
He walks tattered terrain that crosses Mojave,
Still he has time to talk with agave.
Up the ladder:
Doctoring Stigmata
Down the ladder:
Guarded Fool
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Posted: April 22, 2005 1:18 PM PDT; Last modified: May 25, 2005 2:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.190725 Overall Rank: 4727 Comments:
And yours is better...how? Your brilliant recreation is NOT a Villanelle, so comparing the two proves quite difficult!
This one my friend stumbles, and stuggles to fit the form. That, and also one is left wondering: "what is the meaning or signifigance of the desert plant agave?"
Be blessed by the angels of seven.
A. Of course it struggles. It's walking tattered terrain you grebe.
2. He talkw with agave because he's NUTSO ! Like me. And K. The seven is quite generous. 10-Q
in the 4th stanza, you use enjambment and that makes the poem flow. this is the standard you should hold the others to. the final, as well, works beautifully. in the others, the abrubt endings give a lurching feeling, where i think you need to have more of a slow meander. it's a good start, excellent theme and idea, but the full stops hinder the gist of it. keep at it and you'll get it better.
A solid nine. Fascinating!
Firebirds and cold leather souls are enough to win me over. 9.3.
Loved the rhythm of this. One jarring word: hobby, broke the vision and feel of the poem.
274 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
driving that road,
shoe leather soul
Part of me wishes
to walk alongside
talk with agave
cross the Majave
with a dark ghostly guide