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Today (Free verse) by INTRANSIT In this gloomy room
I watch the rain
It traces the pane
I am the pain
In this room I've gloomed
Up the ladder:
Pathetic
Down the ladder:
My Dear Friend
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: November 13, 2002 10:12 AM PST; Last modified: November 13, 2002 2:44 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.880797 Overall Rank: 10094 Comments:
[n/a]
god'swife @ 209.179.137.65
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13-Nov-02/10:14 AM
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Reply
You are the pain, or you are in pain? why must we all suffer?
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INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.42
> god'swife
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13-Nov-02/10:24 AM
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Reply
so you think it's that bad that I should pull it?
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god'swife @ 209.179.137.65
> INTRANSIT
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13-Nov-02/10:31 AM
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No not at all. I was simply asking if YOU are the pain ( I doubt it) or if you are IN pain(that's the mood I pick up from these few lines) I love this kind of economy. I think you could come up with something else to reveal at the end instead of repeating the first line. If I thought it was bad I would just come out and tell you.
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INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.42
> god'swife
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13-Nov-02/10:43 AM
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Imagine you happen to be depressed and that it happens to be raining. You follow the drops down the glass with your finger.At that point you are depression itself,But there's still the awareness that you don't have to be that way if you don't choose to. The copied line really doesn't matter, to me.
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god'swife @ 209.179.137.65
> INTRANSIT
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13-Nov-02/10:47 AM
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Ohhh. I never am things, I feel them. I don't know what I am, but I know what I feel.
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god'swife @ 209.179.137.65
> INTRANSIT
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13-Nov-02/10:39 AM
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The why must wwe all suffer comment is relevant to the knowledge that we all suffer. Not because of your poem, but because it is the stuff of life. I was being compassionate.
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INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.42
> god'swife
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13-Nov-02/10:46 AM
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Sorry, it seemed like a loaded question. No hard feelings?
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poetandknowit @ 65.101.210.174
> INTRANSIT
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13-Nov-02/10:50 AM
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I think we all need a little tug tug now and then, eh?
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<~> @ 167.206.181.179
> poetandknowit
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13-Nov-02/11:15 AM
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you need a good glory hole, is what you need.
Like how you "make the gloom" (I've gloomed) and it becomes a tangible thing in the room.
Might be stronger if you use a different word to describe a darkening instead of gloomy in the first line. 276 view(s)
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