poemranker ::Bleeding V2 by INTRANSIT

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 20064

Bleeding V2

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 12 Oct 2002 · Edited 17 Oct 2002 · 25 comments

Hoooweee! What a scam. What a deal! The line smoothes his Armani necktie pointing to the fine printed showroom billboard. "And there'll never be another deal like this one"! Meanwhile, his cronies finesse our finances as he leads us to the sinker pencils freshly leadened to carry us to the bottom. And let's not forget the hook, teeth shiney clean, who showed us the little guy across the street and what kind of junk he was selling. What an opening gambit. What happens when this contract goes full term? Oh, we'll still be here. A fish, strung up with all the others attracting bears.

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25 comments

[n/a] god'swife 12-Oct-02/5:14 PM Reply
The last image is the prize winner here. You probably know that already. I don't care for the hook line and sinker, except that it ties in with the last stanza. Could the cronies be fishing instead of butchering?
[n/a] INTRANSIT › god'swife 12-Oct-02/5:58 PM Reply
Wow, you've given me pause. I might be able to morph this over to a land/lake "deal" and make it work better. Thanks for pointing that out. It's the scary truth though, isn't it?
[6] Amelia 16-Oct-02/6:25 PM Reply
The tambourine just doesn't scan well because I associate tambourines with women, other than that, I like it.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Amelia 16-Oct-02/7:41 PM Reply
Why thank you m'dear. I thought of drums but I figgered that to be to obvious, any other suggestions?
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/5:49 AM Reply
Shakes the keys to his Merc?
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 17-Oct-02/7:03 AM Reply
Actually, I see that I'm going in three different directions here.
Dealership, real estate and circus. I need to pick one. I'm trying to make it reflect my feeling toward our war with Iraq. Hussein,Bin laden , and bush. How did you know I like Mercs? Those lead sleds do it for me every time. Thanks, I should work this shouldn't I?
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/7:08 AM Reply
Doesn't everyone like Mercs? Also, they are the most common car of choice for Arabian dictators and American moneymen alike. To be honest, I didn't pick up on the 'war on Iraq' slant - now I see the relevance of the 3000 souls though. I think this does need a bit of work, you need to make your satire clearer and more biting. 'Cos at the moment it reads to me like an indictment of capitalism. I'm all for that sort of thing but it obviously isn't what you intend.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 17-Oct-02/7:18 AM Reply
Holy shit C! Thanks for that completely alternate view. I was going to do capitalism at some point but it seems I glanced it here, I shall take your advice and apply my hammer to the steel. Thanks.
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/7:21 AM Reply
You can always rely on me for a completely bizarre reading of things. It's either genius or extreme stupidity, I can't decide which!
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 17-Oct-02/7:31 AM Reply
Maybe 'twould be better if I went the capitalistic route? What/whose writing would you recommend I read? Thanks for the flowers.
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/7:37 AM Reply
I think in this case you're better sticking with capitalism, launch in on Bush etc in something new. As for reading - well, the people who got me writing were T.S. Eliot, Robert Frost, Edward Thomas, a modern Brit called Simon Armitage, Philip Larkin, and Wordsworth, Keats, Coleridge etc. Read some Shakespeare, esp. the sonnets, because he will tell you everything you need to know about handling forms and rhymes and ideas in a small space. Read Yeats for the manic highs and lows. And follow your nose - if you find a good side route from one of these chaps, follow it. Of course, these are just my faves - other people will give you other names.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 17-Oct-02/8:03 AM Reply
Will do. I think I have a small flare for grandness and thats why my coffee thing worked. Shakespeare would fit. I'll try some of your reccomendations. I have a couple of mixed poetry books that give me a sample of many. As childish as it may seem, I would recommend: A night without armor by Jewel.
[8] Christof › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/8:12 AM Reply
Is that Jewel as in the singer? I had no idea she wrote poetry.
[n/a] god'swife › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/8:14 AM Reply
Burn that book. She's a terrible poet.
[8] Christof › god'swife 17-Oct-02/8:17 AM Reply
Fair enough. But she's quite cute.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › god'swife 17-Oct-02/4:08 PM Reply
Well, she's no Walt Whitman, I think she's got some good stuff in her book though.
[n/a] <~> › INTRANSIT 17-Oct-02/7:27 AM Reply
actually, that's how i read it as well.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › <~> 17-Oct-02/4:10 PM Reply
Thanks for your comment zzinnia66. Iwent thataway and it seems to make more sense now. I promise never to ignore you again:)
Capice?
[9] loneshadow29 17-Oct-02/7:33 AM Reply
This sounds so familiar... a crook with a smile on his face, saying how great this is and how stupid you'd be without it... great read :o)
[n/a] INTRANSIT › loneshadow29 17-Oct-02/4:12 PM Reply
Thanks ls29, it did need a facelift though. I hope it didn't lose anything. How're things going for you?
[8] Christof 18-Oct-02/1:54 AM Reply
I like the fact that you follow the fishing metaphor all the way through now, and I like the approaching menace of the bears at the end.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 18-Oct-02/5:50 AM Reply
Thanks for your help, is there any thing I could've done better?
Also the "bears" is a stab at the stock market. I do see the bears as other bill collectors though. Gotta haul some cars for a while( ironically enough). Chat in a few days:)
[9] horus8 11-Nov-02/5:58 PM Reply
i never scan.. i read than hop around naked going "fiji" "fiji"...i was interested straight through...it might just be heart singing barracuda in the background...that song always makes me smile though aint that the truth.9.
[n/a] <~> › horus8 11-Nov-02/6:03 PM Reply
guys always like them rock n' roll chix now don't they. what would you use for a mantra if you were feeling a tad more percussive? try "cicada cicada cicada" and, if it suits you, you can bury yourself for 7 years or so, unless i happen to dig you up and force you to sing for me, as a summer bug should....damn you--get away from my morning glories
[9] Jill Stockinger 1-Jan-21/11:57 AM Reply
Well said!