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Bleeding V2 (Free verse) by INTRANSIT Hoooweee!
What a scam.
What a deal!
The line smoothes his Armani necktie
pointing to the fine printed showroom
billboard.
"And there'll never be another
deal like this one"!
Meanwhile, his cronies finesse
our finances as he leads us
to the sinker
pencils freshly leadened to
carry us to the bottom.
And let's not forget the hook,
teeth shiney clean,
who showed us the little guy
across the street and
what kind of junk he was
selling.
What an opening gambit.
What happens when this contract
goes full term?
Oh, we'll still be here.
A fish, strung up with all the others
attracting bears.
Up the ladder:
The Prettiest Mother in the World
Down the ladder:
Silence
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.1666665
Posted: October 12, 2002 11:51 AM PDT; Last modified: October 17, 2002 4:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.313765 Overall Rank: 3526 Comments:
[n/a]
god'swife @ 209.179.134.139
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12-Oct-02/5:14 PM
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Reply
The last image is the prize winner here. You probably know that already. I don't care for the hook line and sinker, except that it ties in with the last stanza. Could the cronies be fishing instead of butchering?
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.77
> god'swife
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12-Oct-02/5:58 PM
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Reply
Wow, you've given me pause. I might be able to morph this over to a land/lake "deal" and make it work better. Thanks for pointing that out. It's the scary truth though, isn't it?
The tambourine just doesn't scan well because I associate tambourines with women, other than that, I like it.
Why thank you m'dear. I thought of drums but I figgered that to be to obvious, any other suggestions?
Shakes the keys to his Merc?
Actually, I see that I'm going in three different directions here.
Dealership, real estate and circus. I need to pick one. I'm trying to make it reflect my feeling toward our war with Iraq. Hussein,Bin laden , and bush. How did you know I like Mercs? Those lead sleds do it for me every time. Thanks, I should work this shouldn't I?
Doesn't everyone like Mercs? Also, they are the most common car of choice for Arabian dictators and American moneymen alike. To be honest, I didn't pick up on the 'war on Iraq' slant - now I see the relevance of the 3000 souls though. I think this does need a bit of work, you need to make your satire clearer and more biting. 'Cos at the moment it reads to me like an indictment of capitalism. I'm all for that sort of thing but it obviously isn't what you intend.
Holy shit C! Thanks for that completely alternate view. I was going to do capitalism at some point but it seems I glanced it here, I shall take your advice and apply my hammer to the steel. Thanks.
You can always rely on me for a completely bizarre reading of things. It's either genius or extreme stupidity, I can't decide which!
Maybe 'twould be better if I went the capitalistic route? What/whose writing would you recommend I read? Thanks for the flowers.
I think in this case you're better sticking with capitalism, launch in on Bush etc in something new. As for reading - well, the people who got me writing were T.S. Eliot, Robert Frost, Edward Thomas, a modern Brit called Simon Armitage, Philip Larkin, and Wordsworth, Keats, Coleridge etc. Read some Shakespeare, esp. the sonnets, because he will tell you everything you need to know about handling forms and rhymes and ideas in a small space. Read Yeats for the manic highs and lows. And follow your nose - if you find a good side route from one of these chaps, follow it. Of course, these are just my faves - other people will give you other names.
Will do. I think I have a small flare for grandness and thats why my coffee thing worked. Shakespeare would fit. I'll try some of your reccomendations. I have a couple of mixed poetry books that give me a sample of many. As childish as it may seem, I would recommend: A night without armor by Jewel.
Is that Jewel as in the singer? I had no idea she wrote poetry.
Burn that book. She's a terrible poet.
Fair enough. But she's quite cute.
Well, she's no Walt Whitman, I think she's got some good stuff in her book though.
actually, that's how i read it as well.
Thanks for your comment zzinnia66. Iwent thataway and it seems to make more sense now. I promise never to ignore you again:)
Capice?
This sounds so familiar... a crook with a smile on his face, saying how great this is and how stupid you'd be without it... great read :o)
Thanks ls29, it did need a facelift though. I hope it didn't lose anything. How're things going for you?
I like the fact that you follow the fishing metaphor all the way through now, and I like the approaching menace of the bears at the end.
Thanks for your help, is there any thing I could've done better?
Also the "bears" is a stab at the stock market. I do see the bears as other bill collectors though. Gotta haul some cars for a while( ironically enough). Chat in a few days:)
i never scan.. i read than hop around naked going "fiji" "fiji"...i was interested straight through...it might just be heart singing barracuda in the background...that song always makes me smile though aint that the truth.9.
guys always like them rock n' roll chix now don't they. what would you use for a mantra if you were feeling a tad more percussive? try "cicada cicada cicada" and, if it suits you, you can bury yourself for 7 years or so, unless i happen to dig you up and force you to sing for me, as a summer bug should....damn you--get away from my morning glories
Well said!
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