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Silence (Free verse) by Cha no Onna
I can hear them chant their cacophany swing in circles through the crops sing in the language of poetry and here I find I have lost that tongue I stand apart, watching the flicker of bonfire over the hill the speckle of stars spread random through the sky bracken and loam and fern my companions I wish I could speak to you as they speak to each other I wish I could touch your ears and your heart with this I wish I could sing to you the songs they sing to each other but it is not to be. I am mute here. In silence I hear you In silence you call to me In the wet earth, Scratching at the ground with long and broken nails I find you by the trail of breadcrumbs, of bits of moon. But here, in the harsh world, I don't know what to say. So I say nothing. We're good at that We speak so little and so idly Afraid of scaring you away, afraid of scaring ourselves To live, one must die, the poem goes To die, one must live. I will never die. I have never lived.

Up the ladder: Bleeding V2
Down the ladder: strange beds (1989)

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.1666665
Weighted score: 5.313765
Overall Rank: 3527
Posted: December 2, 2002 9:00 PM PST; Last modified: December 3, 2002 11:24 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 3-Dec-02/2:08 AM | Reply
Intelligent idea here which you've dealt with well, I liked the way you sold fragility here and the end stanza and last line hit the throat - nice one *8* (try and shorten the line about the wet earth it affects the readability)
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 3-Dec-02/8:29 AM | Reply
this is beautiful.
but, in the third stanza, you say we sing, then in the single line (s4?) you say that you are mute. you keep crossing the line/confusing solitary (i, them) and together (we). if you worked this out, this would be near perfect. nice job.
[n/a] Cha no Onna @ 206.110.252.242 > <~> | 3-Dec-02/10:36 AM | Reply
thank you. I appreciate your comments.

You are right; it should be "I wish I could sing to you the songs they sing to each other." Unfortunately, if I edit it, I'll lose your comments and Caducus's too.
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > Cha no Onna | 3-Dec-02/10:49 AM | Reply
no, the comments stay; only the votes go away. but we will revote. many of us here are always revising. i am editing one of mine now, for the 4th time, and all the original comments are intact.

i look forward to your revisions. z
[n/a] Cha no Onna @ 206.110.252.242 > <~> | 3-Dec-02/11:24 AM | Reply
Oh. Just a few then. All done. Thanks for telling me that.
[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > Cha no Onna | 3-Dec-02/12:24 PM | Reply
i think it works beautifully now.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 12.216.165.136 | 3-Dec-02/4:13 PM | Reply
Z is big help. always. welcome,and nice entry work too.
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