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strange beds (1989) (Pimple) by Bill Z Bub
Above the class party, I breathe through her hair that envelops my head. beyond truth or dare, pure lust left unsaid. Remembering how I was found lying there beneath her thin body mouthing a prayer behind the good couch and under the chair. Kissing her earlobes and under her chin, delicate heaven inevitable sin. Hands behind cushions, limbs being spread, the moment now lost, the movement of dread. the yellowed still picture inside my head, a quick intake of breath upon these strange beds.

Up the ladder: Silence
Down the ladder: 19

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.1666665
Weighted score: 5.313765
Overall Rank: 3465
Posted: January 1, 2003 8:58 AM PST; Last modified: September 4, 2003 2:39 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] god'swife @ 209.179.135.92 | 1-Jan-03/1:52 PM | Reply
Great potential. Very sexual, great, that's what you're talking about anyway. 'Touching her halo' Is this a part of her body, or a something mystical? Please don't make a real woman into a goddess, let her be real. Take away her halo, and I believe all the rest becomes that much more meaningful. It's just my opinion, and since I really no nothing about the story behind this I may be all wrong. Anyway it turned me on.

[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > god'swife | 1-Jan-03/2:27 PM | Reply
Yeah, that first line is one thats been bugging me, but I'm not sure what to change it to yet. At the time I meant it to be something mystical.
I wrote the first half of this many years ago. Thankyou, yes, I want to turn you on. I want to turn on the world!
Any suggestions?
[8] <~> @ 67.84.171.238 | 13-Jan-03/7:46 PM | Reply
mr bub, this is leaps and bounds beyond the first draft. kudos.
[9] Ranger @ 212.219.142.161 | 14-Jan-03/1:56 AM | Reply
Nice work!
[10] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 15-Jan-03/8:10 PM | Reply
"
inside my head,
a quick intake of breath
on these
strange beds."
might flow better like

inside of my head,
a quick intake of breath
upon these
strange beds.
[9] deleted user @ 63.230.192.38 | 4-Sep-03/6:38 PM | Reply
"Remembering how
I was found lying there
beneath her thin body
mouthing a prayer
behind the good couch
and under the chair.
Kissing her earlobes
and under her chin,
delicate heaven
inevitable sin."

An excellent read! I love the words you chose. :)
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