Poemranker [Poem: A soldiers life] [by closeup] Thu Nov 21 10:50:06 PST 2024

Here I lie, Cold in the dead of night, A corpse for company; Ted I dream of dawn to break, And the flooding light to take away the agony of my dismembered face. The sound of gunfire rips through the air like fireworks in the night sky; joy. A loud thud sounds close by, And a river of blood flows into the hole in the ground that I must now call home. "Serve your country!!", "Sign up fast", What a farce, What a joke! A life you call this? A soldiers life? A soldiers death.

[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 29-May-05/6:29 PM | Reply

Remarkable. 'There goes my last limb, but ain't we got fun!'
Long and short lines are balanced well. At the very end you soften up, a pity.

[n/a] closeup @ 80.42.28.12 > deleted user | 30-May-05/9:43 AM | Reply

Sorry this is not a fantastic poem, my first go at a poem really, i am 18 and studying war literature at school and it inspired me to write something, will have a better go next time.

[n/a] zodiac @ 213.186.191.78 > closeup | 31-May-05/5:26 AM | Reply

An advice: Don't write poems in which you're a dead soldier. You're about the tenth poemranker user to do that this month.

[6] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.67 | 31-May-05/7:10 AM | Reply

use the search key for: What you know - It might help,it might not.

[8] Jill Stockinger @ 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1 | 1-Jan-21/12:23 PM | Reply

small grammatical fix: soldier's life (use an apostrophe)
soldier's death
I'd use a comma between company and Ted, not a semicolon, which is used to separate 2 complete sentences. I assume Ted is the corpse. The poem does capture strong emotion, and certainly makes a strong point