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Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
[revision] ----------- Shadows drift while I sift through the sand of my fallen land. My castle- just rubble now, left from many battles. Escaped in my incomplete submarine, unclean and rusted- pushing off from the shore. Wished there was more that could be done- reminding me that everything is gone. A sailor- floating, being carried softly by the waves. Saltwater spills over, stinging open wounds- an emotion explodes, rage. Out comes my pen to begin once again. Sliced my arm, before dipping the quill into the bloody ink pot, and left it open- risking infection. Calm reflection kindles a coal, the remainder of my soul; directing the feather- thinking myself a bird. --------------- [original poem] shadows drifting as i sit sifting through the sand of my fallen land my castle, now just rubble, left from numerouse battles escaping in my incomplete submarine unclean and rusted i push off from the shore wishing there was more that could be done reminding me that all is gone a sailor floating carried softly with the waves waters spilling over salt stinging open wounds an emotion explodes rage, out comes my pen and i begin once again i slice my arm, and dip the quill into the fleshy ink pot, leaving it open despite infection my calm reflection kindles the coal, the remainder of my soul, moves the feather thinking myself a bird

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Weighted score: 5.1788044
Overall Rank: 4869
Posted: July 28, 2003 2:13 AM PDT; Last modified: November 14, 2003 12:43 PM PST
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[10] horus8 @ | 28-Jul-03/12:27 PM | Reply
Sir, I hate you. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol. You're the best.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > horus8 | 28-Jul-03/12:39 PM | Reply
?... horus, are you getting sick on me? or what?..
[10] horus8 @ > SupremeDreamer | 28-Jul-03/1:26 PM | Reply
No, why.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > horus8 | 28-Jul-03/3:30 PM | Reply
Well.. first you hate me, then you say im the best.. im confused to a point of dizziness.
[10] horus8 @ > SupremeDreamer | 28-Jul-03/6:07 PM | Reply
I liked the poem, but don't get melodramatic.
[n/a] DreamerSupreme @ > horus8 | 28-Jul-03/7:01 PM | Reply
roger roger. ;)
[6] <~> @ | 31-Jul-03/7:38 AM | Reply
okay, i'll complement you on the last strophe--the idea of it anyway--but why not show me instead of telling me?
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.

[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > <~> | 31-Jul-03/8:12 AM | Reply
eh. hrmm. nice url.. hey.. that can be very usefull.. maybe this isnt a lashing..

but can i ask, wtf made you suddenly explode and start commenting and voting on all my stuff? was is something i said? its quite sudden.. you been holding back or what?
[6] Jill Stockinger @ 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1 | 1-Jan-21/6:29 PM | Reply
Using end of line rhymes but changing the scheme of the rhyme through the poem does not add to the poem. I would change it so it deliberately does not rhyme except for internal rhymes. You have some lovely lines and images but I do not see it really hanging together. I liked the ending from your original better, I REALLY like the lines "moves the feather/ thinking myself a bird. That is excellent!
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