regarding some deleted poem...	31-Jul-03/11:50 PM
No offense to Will and all, but this poem does not represent Christian values at all. Besides the title is a cliche (though it makes me want to drink Pina Colodas in the cool summer rain) and once you get into the poem you find even more cliches: kiss of fire, hold the key, rose between teeth, etc, etc. Now if you want to simply write for yourself and the debate club that is one thing, but if you want to write in the good Christian environment of poemranker, I suggest you try to find images that do not sound like every Rod Mckune poem ever written after he decided to stop protesting the Vietnam War. Sometimes if we simply simplify the language, talk the words through so to speak, instead of trying so hard to be poetic the end result is actually more successful and more Christian, I might add.
Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig	1-Aug-03/4:39 PM
Painful read. Horrible poem
Re: Watching My Childhood Vanish by Caducus	1-Aug-03/4:42 PM
The first two lines are almost good, well with and edit or two. Toss the rest.
Re: Lethal Weapon by poetandkonwit	3-Aug-03/1:09 AM
Matt, Matt, Matt. Here I was all geared up for some fine and biting satire at my own expense and all you give me is Gordon Lightfoot. I thought Canadians are supposed to have a better educational system then the US, smarter undergrads and all. You have the statistics somewhere! But wait, you have to finish the new Mega Man video game before you can reveal them. You go for my dear dead mother again? What is the point? What are you after there? I am glad she is still weighing on your mind after so many months considering she was quite the woman. So, what kind of Canadian are you? Oh yes, the kind that hang out with other folks that get a kick out of watching 3000 people die. All while you and the gang are sitting around mommy and daddy's pool living the good life. Free health care and all. Oh yes, I remember. Is this really all you can muster? I mean are you really lacking sleep so much that your brain has fizzled to the point of no longer speaking in anything but D&D lingo and Barenaked Ladies lyrics. There is no subtext hidden beneath Be My Yokon Ono, I swear. Your mother will die one day, you know. And it may be from the likes of cancer. And you will have to sit and watch her rot away right in front of your eyes and you will come back to this site and read my dear dead mommy poems and cry yourself to sleep at night. She will piss out her own bile. Do you know what bile looks like? It is this brown goop. Dark brown. And looks like a runny shit but it is coming straight out of the liver into a little bag. And your mother will turn to you and look at you the only way a mother can look at the son she gave birth to and let you know that she cannot take it anymore. And maybe you will run across the entire fucking world looking for just one doctor. Just one who will say MAYBE? Maybe we can get a handle on this. But he will be the most unfeeling human on the earth and guinea pig your mother who I assume you love. And then she will leak from the incisions, it will be every place, and no matter how many towels you pull from the closet it will not be enough. And you will think to yourself, does the body really have this much shit in it. If there were really a god, wouldn't he/she have simplified things a bit? So, you are up to your knees in it. You mother is begging you to make it stop. To make everything stop, but you are ill equipped. You are unprepared to deal with this. And then you will have to deal with the hallucinations in the middle of the night as she is dying right in front of you. You had better start praying to Geddy Lee right now, my friend. Because karma has a way of crawling through locked doors.
Re: Satyrs and fluting the teachers by Jeremi B. Handrinos	4-Aug-03/2:13 PM
Maybe this should have been a paper airplane.
Re: I, criminal by INTRANSIT	4-Aug-03/2:15 PM
Ding, dang darn: this still lacks the almighty possession. And don't quit your day job.
Re: Retirement by Jeremi B. Handrinos	4-Aug-03/2:20 PM
Sometimes words stung together are simply words strung together. Why is it we must see every bad idea that comes to you when you are high? Your writing is going nowhere. Stan Rice is DEAD!
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Aug-03/2:28 PM
The only image here is the last one and it is a cliche. The word strike could be more precise.
Re: The Longest Wait (Revised) by Caducus	5-Aug-03/7:34 PM
But seriously now. By hearing you whine as swine the other day I have started to figure that you just don't get it, and then to hear from the snipped brother that you are not fond of the rewrite was just another in a long line of many examples where you work suffers. In this piece, it is trying to mix a simple setting with overbearing themes dealing with the almighty FATE and TIME. Can't you figure out a way to simply these concepts into images? Because when you say things like "FATE is a flat line. la de da" it sounds, well, just hokey. And then you throw goofy rhyme schemes into the picture and you have a true piece of comic genius. Then the fact that people fall for the crap shows why we are continually failing as the human race. A subject like this is so fragile and the line is so fine when you are dealing with it that there is little room for generalizing. Everything has to be specific, even if you have to throw out wild images like an embalmer calling at 3am. It works on that level. It does not here because anyone who has gone through this knows that there is a bereavement period after the death and in most cases a huge amount of relief and sadness thrown into the picture. It is not like they just kick you out and bring in a new patient. There is paper work; there are phone calls. There is usually an unbearable silence. Everyone knows that the monitor is long gone in the situation you are talking about so most likely the only way you would know someone dead is by the breathing and that is even tough, This situation isn't the ER. I feel like you showed up for the show and when the movie was over simply went home and wrote a bad poem. Where are the guts? I think you will find that in simplifying the language and the context of what you are saying you will have more sucess. Finding precise images in each line and not one's that everyone is familiar with because the watch too much TV.
Re: Fall Of The Heartlands by Mr Pig	5-Aug-03/8:32 PM
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. otters lick toxic wounds. hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah fluvial ventricles. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah. you cannot expect a true and mature poet to take this seriously. I supoose it won some high school contest or a million dollar prize at the website everyone bitches about. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Have you ever heard the old records of T.S. reading the wasteland. I bet you write in the voice. Looooooook at theeeeeeeeeeeeee barren dregs offfff drudgereeeeeeeee; the beaver fights with breviteeeeeeeee; the squreeeeerl die at the hand off a glooooowing aaaaacorn.
Re: Can you believe this piece of shit was #1? by horus8	8-Aug-03/10:10 PM
http://www.salon.com/media/1998/09/01media.html I think you will appreciate this. Every good writer ultimately needs and editor. Even Stan rice had and editor!
Re: Yellow Cake for Everyone by Retaliate	8-Aug-03/10:18 PM
Damn, I really like the first part because it really bites as satire. the play on the cake is a great idea. Then you pull and Sinclair and make a statement at the end; become a bit rhetorical. I think you should try keeping the tone of the beginning all the way through. Keep the humor, Make it hurt.
Re: Fresh faced Danger-Teen by INTRANSIT	8-Aug-03/10:20 PM
I cannot believe I read that.
Re: Looking down by INTRANSIT	8-Aug-03/10:26 PM
Rather vague. And the "that" alone on a line has got to go. I see where you might be going with it, but you might try and clear it up a bit.
Re: Weeping Willow by LuckyJoe	8-Aug-03/10:29 PM
Clichés ruin both poems; although the idea is not necessarily empty. Try cutting down on the heavy handed word drama.
Re: Gone missing by INTRANSIT	2-Oct-03/8:11 PM
Pervert.
Re: water falls by Bill Z Bub	2-Oct-03/8:14 PM
Awwwwwwwwwllllllllllll. Better hit the spank bank until then, eh? As far as the poem goes, for all of the underlying meaning to the intended, the first part sets up a great image and the slowly the poem falls apart as you leave that image and go a meandering. Puppy love will do that sort of thing to a poet. Especially a Canadian poet.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Oct-03/8:29 PM
Odd and over used adjectives popping up like pimples on the moons lovely face. Ouch! And why no caps. Is that a choice of style, because if it is, it really doesn't help the poem much. Maybe the poem would be better if you tried to simplify what you are trying to say instead of wrapping it up in cliché.
Re: Trapped Rat by SupremeDreamer	2-Oct-03/8:52 PM
Lovely. And such original thinking to go along with it.
Re: Why I can't stop laughing at you! by Bachus	2-Oct-03/8:55 PM
Cutting edge, dude.