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The Longest Wait (Revised) (Free verse) by Caducus A plastic tube in oval claret,
Your fate lays in a monotone beep.
A green line flickers,
and hopes rest in uncertain waves,
that have become your bedside beacon.
I sing your favourite love song,
hoping that you'll hear me,
sometimes I forget the words,
then realize I've just sang them subconsciously.
As you flounder in pale shade,
I scowl at the vibrant bouquets,
that flourish in your decline,
as fates cruel hand awaits its Croupier.
Fate is a horizontal line,
The illuminated split of jade upon black,
Time is recorded by impervious staff,
Who destroy the remnants of her in sheets,
The bed is made for another,
And I leave silently to silence.
Up the ladder:
The canary's last song
Down the ladder:
Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.2727275
Posted: July 30, 2003 1:14 AM PDT; Last modified: August 5, 2003 5:12 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.1363635 Overall Rank: 1081 Comments:
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.102
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30-Jul-03/5:39 AM
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Reply
Um, Caducus? You feelin' okay man? The last few poems have a down beat to them.
cad, this cuts.
first seven and last five lines are a bit ungamely
the rest is fine
Jesus, I go away for a few months, come back and have to endure this shit right off the bat.
The rhythm seems very lyrical, whether intended or not, but then the quality is broken abruptly with these longer lines. Maybe I've been reading too much rhyming poetry. But the words and images are a great start, just seem to need a little rearranging.
okay, re-reading, i'm making a suggestion to change the last stanza, again, making it more active, less passive. *also* watch how many commas you use! they really break up a piece. if you can get away without using them,. do so.
Fate in a horizontal line: The illuminated split of jade through black. Time, revered by an impervious staff. They destroy the remnants of her, in sheets. They make the bed for another, Leaving me to silence. there's still something missing, but you'll find it. you'll sharpen your sword if you can manage to cut away the passive voice, cad.
Cads taking your advice but hates re-writes (I've just stuck a price tag on his back for some shoes)
Childish but satisfying I know.
Hint: I sing, I sang, I have sung.
I prefer your closing line because it seems (she) was a lover or girlfriend. and you're going home to silence or the lack of a second body. I think Zs suggestion would lead me to think "mother".
Croupier? absolutely.
But seriously now. By hearing you whine as swine the other day I have started to figure that you just don't get it, and then to hear from the snipped brother that you are not fond of the rewrite was just another in a long line of many examples where you work suffers. In this piece, it is trying to mix a simple setting with overbearing themes dealing with the almighty FATE and TIME. Can't you figure out a way to simply these concepts into images? Because when you say things like "FATE is a flat line. la de da" it sounds, well, just hokey. And then you throw goofy rhyme schemes into the picture and you have a true piece of comic genius. Then the fact that people fall for the crap shows why we are continually failing as the human race. A subject like this is so fragile and the line is so fine when you are dealing with it that there is little room for generalizing. Everything has to be specific, even if you have to throw out wild images like an embalmer calling at 3am. It works on that level. It does not here because anyone who has gone through this knows that there is a bereavement period after the death and in most cases a huge amount of relief and sadness thrown into the picture. It is not like they just kick you out and bring in a new patient. There is paper work; there are phone calls. There is usually an unbearable silence. Everyone knows that the monitor is long gone in the situation you are talking about so most likely the only way you would know someone dead is by the breathing and that is even tough, This situation isn't the ER. I feel like you showed up for the show and when the movie was over simply went home and wrote a bad poem. Where are the guts? I think you will find that in simplifying the language and the context of what you are saying you will have more sucess. Finding precise images in each line and not one's that everyone is familiar with because the watch too much TV.
Okay, Z has taken the time to inform me that she and her family were kicked to the curb after the granny kicked it, and that she was attached to a monitor. She probably watched flowers bloom under the fluorescents too.
but seriously, now. there is more than one way to die, p&k.
"It is not like they just kick you out and bring in a new patient.' >>they did ask us to leave when my grandmother died. and they did bring in someone new, before we were out of the waiting room. "Everyone knows that the monitor is long gone in the situation you are talking about" >>they left the monitor on for grandma. i had to pull the cord to shut it off, because my aunt was pounding it. she could not find the switch. and the flat beep was making her hysterical. "so most likely the only way you would know someone dead is by the breathing and that is even tough," >>it was very tough to tell by the breathing. her last six hours, we thought she was gone, but there was a slow blip. she had cancers; she had an aneurysm about 6 months into fading, and went in one night. she did wait for my cousin to get there, who had to wait to catch a train from grand central to CT, because she didn't have a car. and then my brother had to go and get the cuz at the station. she went in, spent 15 minutes with grandma, and six months of waiting was over in six hours. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
1000s of ways to die. Only one way to rock!
But Z, can't you hear the Sound of Silence behind this. Come on now, everybody try it. Read the first line and then start singing the song.
Okay go: A plastic tube in oval claret "Hello darkness my old friend" Your fate lays in a monotone beep. "I've come to talk with you again. But read Cads lines in a T.S. voice. It works. It is genius.
PAKI maybe just maybe the human race is failing because of people like yourself. I am proud that people fall for my (as you and only you seem to call it) crap poetry. Whats the point in arrogantly convincing yourself that your poetry is better than everyone elses when the majority of people are bored to death reading most of your poems? Yes you would argue that these people who like the poetry I write are soap opera watching, low IQ, Jerry Springer audience wannabe's BUT as that has been your constant whine at me then I suggest you go to all these people who have POSITIVELY commented on my poem and insult there intelligence for likeing such a piss poor poet as myself. You Sir write poetry less exciting than the ingredients of a Cornflake box ! the only difference is I will tell that to you directly rather than slagging you off to other users. This is because I'm wise enough to understand no-one gives a shit about our mutual dislike for one another.
The sad thing is you would be listened to more is you were not such a prick. Poetry is not defined with 'poetandknowit' yes you can write some excellent poetry but hey guess what ...apparently so can I, you may not be able to grasp that truth with your John Merrick size head but thats the way it is. As for reading me in a TS voice, I am so pleased for you. I always read yours in a loud voice shouting because its the only way people will listen to it - by forcing them too. Lots of Love Cad 341 view(s)
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