The Longest Wait (Revised)

Um, Caducus? You feelin' okay man? The last few poems have a down beat to them.

cad, this cuts.

first seven and last five lines are a bit ungamely
the rest is fine

Jesus, I go away for a few months, come back and have to endure this shit right off the bat.

The rhythm seems very lyrical, whether intended or not, but then the quality is broken abruptly with these longer lines. Maybe I've been reading too much rhyming poetry. But the words and images are a great start, just seem to need a little rearranging.

okay, re-reading, i'm making a suggestion to change the last stanza, again, making it more active, less passive. *also* watch how many commas you use! they really break up a piece. if you can get away without using them,. do so.


Fate in a horizontal line:
The illuminated split of jade through black.
Time, revered by an impervious staff.
They destroy the remnants of her, in sheets.
They make the bed for another,
Leaving me to silence.


there's still something missing, but you'll find it. you'll sharpen your sword if you can manage to cut away the passive voice, cad.

Hint: I sing, I sang, I have sung.

I prefer your closing line because it seems (she) was a lover or girlfriend. and you're going home to silence or the lack of a second body. I think Zs suggestion would lead me to think "mother".

Croupier? absolutely.

But seriously now. By hearing you whine as swine the other day I have started to figure that you just don't get it, and then to hear from the snipped brother that you are not fond of the rewrite was just another in a long line of many examples where you work suffers. In this piece, it is trying to mix a simple setting with overbearing themes dealing with the almighty FATE and TIME. Can't you figure out a way to simply these concepts into images? Because when you say things like "FATE is a flat line. la de da" it sounds, well, just hokey. And then you throw goofy rhyme schemes into the picture and you have a true piece of comic genius. Then the fact that people fall for the crap shows why we are continually failing as the human race. A subject like this is so fragile and the line is so fine when you are dealing with it that there is little room for generalizing. Everything has to be specific, even if you have to throw out wild images like an embalmer calling at 3am. It works on that level. It does not here because anyone who has gone through this knows that there is a bereavement period after the death and in most cases a huge amount of relief and sadness thrown into the picture. It is not like they just kick you out and bring in a new patient. There is paper work; there are phone calls. There is usually an unbearable silence. Everyone knows that the monitor is long gone in the situation you are talking about so most likely the only way you would know someone dead is by the breathing and that is even tough, This situation isn't the ER. I feel like you showed up for the show and when the movie was over simply went home and wrote a bad poem. Where are the guts? I think you will find that in simplifying the language and the context of what you are saying you will have more sucess. Finding precise images in each line and not one's that everyone is familiar with because the watch too much TV.