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The Longest Wait (Revised) (Free verse) by Caducus

A plastic tube in oval claret, Your fate lays in a monotone beep. A green line flickers, and hopes rest in uncertain waves, that have become your bedside beacon. I sing your favourite love song, hoping that you'll hear me, sometimes I forget the words, then realize I've just sang them subconsciously. As you flounder in pale shade, I scowl at the vibrant bouquets, that flourish in your decline, as fates cruel hand awaits its Croupier. Fate is a horizontal line, The illuminated split of jade upon black, Time is recorded by impervious staff, Who destroy the remnants of her in sheets, The bed is made for another, And I leave silently to silence.

http://mulberryfairy 30-Jul-03/7:04 PM
The rhythm seems very lyrical, whether intended or not, but then the quality is broken abruptly with these longer lines. Maybe I've been reading too much rhyming poetry. But the words and images are a great start, just seem to need a little rearranging.




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