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Looking down (Free verse) by INTRANSIT Invisible panther paws
trepidate
on taut capillary threads
spanning cloisonne tiled chasms
that
crack, break, heave
inviting black cats
to fall
to suggestion
in burning oranges,
and join in the ashing
of others
Up the ladder:
I'm gonna fuck you!
Down the ladder:
Social Geeks and Christians
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Posted: August 7, 2003 4:41 PM PDT; Last modified: August 8, 2003 6:32 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.029801 Overall Rank: 7272 Comments:
[8]
http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.106
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7-Aug-03/7:10 PM
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Reply
I think the words "indecent" and "proposal" can never again be used next to each other. The rest is good.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.14
> http://mulberryfairy
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7-Aug-03/8:05 PM
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Reply
I cheated with the lunatic fringes too. god I suck at this.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.14
> http://mulberryfairy
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7-Aug-03/8:13 PM
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Reply
better?
[8]
http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.223
> INTRANSIT
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8-Aug-03/2:21 PM
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Reply
Oh yes, much better, but it is much more vague, too, doubt I would've gotten it in its present form. But still very nice.
Okay, I'm an idiot 'cuz I don't understand this poem in the least and yet I enjoy these images immensely. If it's not too much of a kick in the nuts, could you please give me a clue about those last four lines?
Reserving my vote. I'm glad I didn't read the version with "indecent proposal" in it.
Don't worry about it. Nobody kicks like poetandknowit. The whole thing is about travelling the "straight and narrow" and temptation and failure.
Alright! Those last three lines are still perfect ,then. Somehow "to suggestion" doesn't quite seem to lead me there, though. I'm convinced that this is where the communication breakdown is.
Hey, hold on. How can the chasms be tiled? What was it before? Clay-tiled roof or something...I had the picture of decrepit shed roofs before and that really worked for me.
The only thing I changed was (cloisonne). To make the chasm prettier, more attractive to fall into.But still it's lacking alot. Maybe after the weekend I'll tear into it and do a ground-up workover.
Rather vague. And the "that" alone on a line has got to go. I see where you might be going with it, but you might try and clear it up a bit.
I don't exactly get the disjunction, maybe it should be a Concrete poem. Otherwise, not bad -8-
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