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Weeping Willow (Free verse) by LuckyJoe Head hung in sorrow,
Tears drip leaf like from its body.
Drooping down to stir in water like fingers.
The breeze through its hair doesnât ease.
Alone at line of shore, solitude,
Limbs cut for whippings,
Again to cry seeing, feeling infliction of pain.
Still by itself it stands hunched over.
Soil unfertile no longer can the grass grow.
All friends long since diedâ¦
Alone it stands, only to hear itâs own cries.
The lake of tears slap up the bank,
Erosion coming always nearer.
Soon this willow will weep its last day,
For it too will be with its friendsâ¦
Submerged within the bay.
******************************
So to fit the wants of some people around here I tried writing this poem
two different ways. I can't say I like the bottom at all. It took what
I made the poem and made it sound dull, the above has a style and mind
set of its own. The bottom just sounds copied and forced to be
something it doesn't want to be. Lots of comments please, want to know
what everyone else is thinking about the difference between the two and
which is better. What needs working on... that sort of thing. Thank
you in advance to everyone.
******************************
Head hung in sorrow,
Tears drip leaf like from body.
Drooping down to stir in water as fingers.
The breeze through its hair doesnât ease.
Alone at line of shore, solitude,
Limbs cut for whippings,
Again to cry seeing, feeling infliction of pain.
Still standing alone hunched over.
Soil unfertile no longer can grass grow.
All friends long since diedâ¦
Alone it stands, hearing only itâs own cries.
The lake of tears slap upside the bank,
Erosion coming always nearer each day.
Soon this willow tree will weep no longer,
For it too will be with its friendsâ¦
Submerged within the bay.
Up the ladder:
Dildo (formerly titled "It")
Down the ladder:
The Thinker
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: August 8, 2003 9:14 AM PDT; Last modified: August 8, 2003 9:14 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2504 Comments:
[10]
thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223
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8-Aug-03/12:31 PM
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Reply
Definatly gotta be the top one. Go with what you like in poetry. Look never be unwilling to try something new but if it doesn't work out for you then don't do it. Simply put. The top version is well worth a -10- from me. The bottom would be an -8-. So here is a -10-.
Nice note about "The bottom just sounds copied and forced to be something it doesn't want to be."
"The lake of tears slap" Lake of tears? can you use some like... imagination? the top can never be what it wants to be, even at the top, due to it being fattened with worthless cliche crap like that. "Alone it stands," my god.. yeah, that really was an original way to see it.. this needs some style.. looks like it should be titled: A Poet Weeping on a Pillow... Stop whining, god thats fucking boring.. skull fuck me to death amazing, i almost blinked.. but no. I passed out, and i was on meth.. no offense, just my lil ole opinion.. Other than that, its worth an 8, so thats your blessing. go in peace..
A little harsh on the crit there don't you think? I mean after all, its not as bad as say, Museheart, or anything now is it?
I thank you for sticking up for me but there is no need. I've grown used to having every little thing picked apart. I kinda like it. Sometimes I don't have a clue what the people are really trying to say... but life goes on. If its soemthing related to my work it can only make me and my writing that much stronger. However at the same time some people need to look at the art in form rather than what they themselves want to see and believe the form should be.
Go look at some famous poems... these people would rip them apart too. Not saying any of mine are worth a shit... just trying to make a point and failing.
Cliche are Ideas that are over used. Mostly anything classical is going to be cliche, because they are well tred words that have been used all to often, because someone saw them, or heard them and has repeated them. The thing about famous poems from the past is that they had there critics at there time too. I liked the point you tryed to make very valid, but this is today, not the days of yesteryear. I'm saying that its quite good, despite being cliche.
"However at the same time some people need to look at the art in form rather than what they themselves want to see and believe the form should be."
you dont get it do you? It has nothing to do with i think it should be you twit, im talking about HOW you write the damned poem. Your telling me you cant challenge yourself to do better than just burp cliche filled melodramatic poetic drool? Are you saying that attempting to take your writing to the next level will destroy your "style and mind set"? YOU DONT HAVE A GODDAMNED STYLE KID!!! thats why the stupid "mind set" of the poem is crap, and looks like a poem made by an 8th grade student. "Not saying any of mine are worth a shit..." They might be worth a shit if you actually challenged yourself to do better, then maybe you wouldnt have people ripping your shit up into pieces... stop crying about it and fucking evolve, or shut the fuck up and continue writing the same unartistic crap you've been fartin onto this site, thats ok by me, just dont do this whine routine.
Clichés ruin both poems; although the idea is not necessarily empty. Try cutting down on the heavy handed word drama.
Ok I'm confused as hell. If there isn't any images in my work then its filled with cliches. Heavy handed word drama? What exactally is that. I'm from Iowa talk to me in retart english because I don't understand. Cliches yeah what the hell are those? Talk to me like I'm human not Mr. Webster himself.
Attempt to use a dictionary and some simple reading.. thats all you need to do to go down that road of understanding our elitist code...
"Talk to me like I'm human not Mr. Webster himself." you dont do any amount of work into bettering your writing.. you wont even try to figure out the meaning of simple words by typing in www.webster.com and copy/pasting a word or two into the dictionary box and reading the definition it gives you.. wow, you can utter excuses all goddamn day and do absolutely nothing to improve your writing/reading ability. look, its not hard, im a highschool drop out with terrible spelling and poor grammar, and im also an all star junky, ive done it all... but i still manage to understand those "extremely complicated" phrases... man, thats sad when the bottom of the barrel can do a thousand times better than you.. or maybe being a highschool dropout junky with terrible spelling and grammar has nothing to do with it.. hrmm? what do you think? eh? i really pity you..
If you want to get real technical being a high school drop out doesnât make you any less intellectual than anyone else. Sure youâre more apt to be of a lower mentality due to that being the reason most dropout. However there are those who were intellectually stimulated enough to be bothered with the simplicity of school. For those the boredom sets in like rigor mortis. Dazing at the wall spacing off dreaming about the freedom outside the prison of school. Thatâs why I dropped out, went to alternative school and got to set my own pace. Was done within eight months.
Its not that I canât understand the big words, I do. The whole Mr. Webster thing just complimented the statement above. Complimenting words and phrases, being a poet you should know all about that. Each line is meant to help one another in their quest of becoming a poem. Poetry is what has kept me alive and giving me a fighting edge in this life so itâs became part of my daily life. Being part of daily life means that its heard and shown in my dialect. Pity me all you want, but know that I donât need your sympathy or profound ideas made with blind contempt eradicating my life. Have a nice day and again I thank you for your comments good or bad. Each comment gives me the chance to grow and better myself and my writing.
"more apt to a lower mentality"
lol.. kiddo, school doesnt have shit to do with a persons mentality, its about what they do in life, the shit they went through, the way they got throught it, and the lessons learned in the process.. And to be more precise, i was expelled. slightly different, long story anyway. simplicity? EXACTLY.. while the kiddos were learning about how rocks erode and struggling to read "How to kill a mockingbird" i was eating up the words of hermann hesse and his masterfull book Demian, examining philosophy and shamanism, along with studying entheogenic substances so intensly that i became a fucking human drug encyclopedia for anything psychoactive. And that was just on the side of learning the intricate workings of windows and linux, programming in pascal, C, C++, and ASM32, and being obsessed with computer security... And at that time period, i was writing poetry purely for my own soul.. something i have been doing since i was 13, and now i am 17, and i will turn 18 on sept 1. earlier on when i was 15 i attempted to dabble with other poets on irc rooms, but my writing didnt get far with that.. so i abandoned the adventure. I recently picked it up.. and started posting here. My first few works were laughed at, ripped apart, and pissed apon with extreme witty humor.. what did i do? i tried harder. i didnt sit there whining "its not how i wanted to write it" blah blah blah.. i fucking took up the challenge and started improving my work. thats says more than your stupid "it isnt what the poem was sposed to be" routine.. dont need my sympathy? im not being sympathetic you twat. And, btw, my "ideas" (which arent ideas, they are harsh critique) arent "profound". And i dont have any dislike of you personally in any way, shape, or fashion, im simply dissappointed in your lack of passion or seriouse work concerning your writing.. and then crying about how your poems are being destroyed.. pfffft. Im not sitting here rambling just to step on you, i can do that in alot more entertaining and insultive fashion... Im actually attempting to get you to wake the fuck up, and you sit there whining about how im an evil evil little man who wants to destroy your poetry... if i wanted to, id simply parody your stuff. Ask retaliate how evil i am.. his Myopic Labotomized Hubris piece got a mini parody from me in a comment.. he didnt sit there whining, or screaming stupid insults about it, the mother fucker said: ok smartass, ill make it better! And he did, he made his poem 10 times better than the original.. now thats how one improves his skill in poetry, by taking on challenges and learning his art from trial/error, and writing better and practicing till his pen is a sharped sword to do battle in the halls of imagination.. too bad your not upto the test, you wont even try.. tsk.
I might reply to this later. When I said "you're more likely" I wasn't directing it at you. You're was everyone who drops out in a whole. Also wasn't saying that school has anything to do with mentality. But most who drop out aren't very smart, so their mentality is why they do drop out. Sorry if I wasn't very clear on that.
To better clear other issues up if I sounded like I was whinning about my poems being ripped apart I wasn't by any means. I love this site already. Every where else just says my work is good and great... I need a challenge and here seems to be the place I'm going to get it. I'm loving it! So here..."Fuck you! I'm going to do better!" *grins* Better? Take no offence to the fuck you please... its all part of me trying to make my point.
Offense to "fuck you?" lmao, yeah right my cursin ass is gonna get pissed at that.. ;P
Good you lil faery lift them rusted blades deliver your parry DreamMasta is always ready to deliver another parody from his crooked grin Let the irish tap-dance begin my pretty ballerina twirl round the arena and show me that you can learn to fly No longer shall you cry your weeping tears less them feet cant move theres always a cool cat that will teach ya how to groove or ponder how to curl those toes and master the monkey fist to deliver knockout blows straight into the face of king kong *puff* *puff* more pipe dreams drift from my bong envisioning your pink dress evolving into a tornado flower learning bout the power of the feathered quill and how you can fulfill your quest to be the best (yeah, cliche and all, fuck it, just write it when your trien to be funny, be a clown to entertain the masses, the embarrasment will soon give way to another fiasco in the multicolored light show of our moden day poety disco..) that felt good.. i hope you actually get better, i really hope you aint just cryin uncle to make me shut up.. ;P 189 view(s)
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