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Weeping Willow (Free verse) by LuckyJoe

Head hung in sorrow, Tears drip leaf like from its body. Drooping down to stir in water like fingers. The breeze through its hair doesn’t ease. Alone at line of shore, solitude, Limbs cut for whippings, Again to cry seeing, feeling infliction of pain. Still by itself it stands hunched over. Soil unfertile no longer can the grass grow. All friends long since died… Alone it stands, only to hear it’s own cries. The lake of tears slap up the bank, Erosion coming always nearer. Soon this willow will weep its last day, For it too will be with its friends… Submerged within the bay. ****************************** So to fit the wants of some people around here I tried writing this poem two different ways. I can't say I like the bottom at all. It took what I made the poem and made it sound dull, the above has a style and mind set of its own. The bottom just sounds copied and forced to be something it doesn't want to be. Lots of comments please, want to know what everyone else is thinking about the difference between the two and which is better. What needs working on... that sort of thing. Thank you in advance to everyone. ****************************** Head hung in sorrow, Tears drip leaf like from body. Drooping down to stir in water as fingers. The breeze through its hair doesn’t ease. Alone at line of shore, solitude, Limbs cut for whippings, Again to cry seeing, feeling infliction of pain. Still standing alone hunched over. Soil unfertile no longer can grass grow. All friends long since died… Alone it stands, hearing only it’s own cries. The lake of tears slap upside the bank, Erosion coming always nearer each day. Soon this willow tree will weep no longer, For it too will be with its friends… Submerged within the bay.

SupremeDreamer 8-Aug-03/2:26 PM
Nice note about "The bottom just sounds copied and forced to be something it doesn't want to be."

"The lake of tears slap"

Lake of tears? can you use some like... imagination?
the top can never be what it wants to be, even at the top, due to it being fattened with worthless cliche crap like that.

"Alone it stands,"

my god.. yeah, that really was an original way to see it.. this needs some style..

looks like it should be titled:

A Poet Weeping on a Pillow...

Stop whining, god thats fucking boring.. skull fuck me to death amazing, i almost blinked.. but no.

I passed out, and i was on meth.. no offense, just my lil ole opinion..

Other than that, its worth an 8, so thats your blessing.

go in peace..





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