on Love in Winter Storage by Russell
25 Mar 2004, 7:05 AM
2nd stanza has to go. What else you got?
the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language.
So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.
the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language.
So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.
on Fire, Water, and Blood by Katzclear
25 Mar 2004, 6:55 AM
oh. close.
betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.
betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.
on Fishing Trip by darkshark
25 Mar 2004, 6:52 AM
the tiny words that don't add value don't hurt this one as much because its a nice sentiment.
You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.
You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.
on again by the indign
25 Mar 2004, 6:49 AM
smells like a poem; a good approximation.
on bunny by the indign
25 Mar 2004, 6:48 AM
... something one might use to warm up to start writing a poem.
Start from the drop kick and go from there.
Start from the drop kick and go from there.
on weeping tree by the indign
25 Mar 2004, 6:46 AM
"ponder yet a second laughter screen" makes me struggle.
drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no.
this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.
drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no.
this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.
on end of era by the indign
25 Mar 2004, 6:42 AM
aphoristic, and could be truth - but it's only a subset of a poem.
on The Beautiful Chase by smlink84
25 Mar 2004, 6:38 AM
problem with this:
"As a mother intent on
With a million vows."
the language use with all those conjunctions, prepositions and simple verbs doesn't do this much help.
"As a mother intent on
With a million vows."
the language use with all those conjunctions, prepositions and simple verbs doesn't do this much help.
on Reunion by syrusstone
25 Mar 2004, 6:36 AM
hmmmm.... some line breaks would give this a better flow.
Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.
Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.
on I'm Alive! by sonawrote
25 Mar 2004, 6:34 AM
Hey - not a bad hook. Could make a good song.
on Misplaced Life by Richard
25 Mar 2004, 6:32 AM
"You, a new flavor expanding
Across my windshield."
Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out.
Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.
Across my windshield."
Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out.
Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.
on Style / Ffordd by Nicholas Jones
25 Mar 2004, 6:30 AM
While you wait for Godot, I wait for poetry.
Actually, this makes a solid point... if only it were SPANISH, well then - ooo that would be sumfin.
Actually, this makes a solid point... if only it were SPANISH, well then - ooo that would be sumfin.
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:55 AM
OH THAT LIST. That a new one on me.
What is the name, etc. on this poster - I wanna look it up.
Is it from like a store?
What is the name, etc. on this poster - I wanna look it up.
Is it from like a store?
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:53 AM
no seriously - I didn't notice! I'm going to re-read the thread now. Sheesh.
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:21 AM
and when you said "poster" you meant a big page hanging on the wall, and not some person who posts?
Hey, I'm trying here.
Hey, I'm trying here.
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:19 AM
oh! you mean, by saying,
"Limericks have one less syllable in the 3rd and 4th lines."
that they (3rd and 4th) have one less syllable than the 1st, 2nd and 5th lines?
so like
there once was (3)
man from nan (3)
bla bla (2)
bla bla (2)
you could suck (3)
like that?
"Limericks have one less syllable in the 3rd and 4th lines."
that they (3rd and 4th) have one less syllable than the 1st, 2nd and 5th lines?
so like
there once was (3)
man from nan (3)
bla bla (2)
bla bla (2)
you could suck (3)
like that?
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:16 AM
sorry, missed where the count was given. [shrug]
Maybe I am stupid - what was the question now?
Maybe I am stupid - what was the question now?
replying on Poetry in action by Bobjim
24 Mar 2004, 10:14 AM
Yeah, I'd fuck him over in a second without even noticing.
"salted phial" is a nice ryhme with smile, if slightly out of context -
overall, it shows a nice control of language - maybe shows -off- a bit too, but the subject isn't terribly appealing (personally) - it may find a market though since it's topical. Best be quick though.