Re: a comment on Sagadahoc to Hudson by http://mulberryfairy	12-Aug-03/8:30 PM
I don't feel like I am trying to justify the sex- you might have noticed that I don't care about societal constructs of morality. beauty, taboo, etc. I gave the background in alternating stanzas so that you could see the affair building up just as the bus was breaking down. If I were at home, I would be calling my "fellow passengers" my "fellow proletarians, who are gonna rise up and start a revolution"- I am very into this "fellow"ship of poor people (see "Performer" in archives- a completely TRUE story not unlike "my fellow passengers broke out in song"). God's wife, is it really so unsalvageable in its present form? Would it help the raunchiness if she packed the "Morning After" pill? Damn, this poem is driving me crazy. I felt sure you'd have a few quick fix suggestions!
Re: a comment on Sagadahoc to Hudson by http://mulberryfairy	12-Aug-03/8:20 PM
Well, I have had all of these experiences in isolation, but I stuffed them together into one story. I know it is unsexy, but I kind of wanted it to be because the point is a consciously pre-meditated affair just has to be unsexy. It is harder to justify this kind of affair, where the participants knew they were going to all of this trouble just for a fuck, rather than having their passion catch them unawares and overpower their goodness. That is why the affair couldn't happen, the bus had to break down, it just could never be what they wanted it to be.
Re: a comment on Sagadahoc to Hudson by http://mulberryfairy	12-Aug-03/8:12 PM
Well, it is all of the above, that is why she is resigned to her fate of not going when it happens. She isn't one emotion, she's completely ambivalent.
Re: The Musician by Carvaceous	12-Aug-03/8:04 PM
Seems incomplete, and a little redundant. What else about the musician and her? Tell her those calloused guitar player hands have "compromised" qualities in the sack.
Re: Molecular Parasitology Nerdcore Rap by Retaliate	12-Aug-03/8:01 PM
Yeah, you're a nerd. "Bandgeek" wipes his poo-less ass with guys like you. It is kind of like Ben Fold's "Rockin the Suburbs"- he's one angry dwarf.
Re: midnight, on a weekday by peaceseeker	12-Aug-03/7:55 PM
I liked this part "I smoke, water resistant to your proposals to enter me and live your desire for a baby is transparent" but think it could use some punctuation or a line break (contrary to my last comment on your other poem) to make these (and others) distinct, separate phrases.
Re: play to win by peaceseeker	12-Aug-03/7:52 PM
I like the way this bursts out, without any interrupting line breaks or unneccesary punctuation, like you said it all in one breath.
Re: Day Of Reckoning by Kitch	12-Aug-03/10:24 AM
Could use a little more description and fewer of these undefineable constructs. Like, give an example of the suspicious partner's reaction to the narrator talking to someone else, rather than "And you class infidelity as even talking to someone, Do you think I’d just fuck the first girl who’d pout," Instead of asking the partner that question, say what the partner WOULD think, in the narrator's opinion.
Re: Discomfort by FoulSanctity	12-Aug-03/10:11 AM
That was good. I knew it was a bathroom at first, because of the word "relieve"- but then I thought maybe it was someone going to confession. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but confession/public restroom ambiguity works for me.
Re: Are You Experienced? by EAger to Offend	12-Aug-03/10:05 AM
Nice revisions. I like the travelling of the paper much more than the original. Made it seem like a different poem.
Re: EARTH Inc. Memo: by SP REYNOLDS	12-Aug-03/10:02 AM
An enjoyable read. Didn't get if you misspelled destroy on purpose, or if "distroy" means something else? I don't think destroy, if that is what you intended, is needed in the second line- why wouldn't Lucifer be more specific?
Re: (getting used to spending too much time with myself) by Patsy	12-Aug-03/9:53 AM
I liked it.
Re: twilight by geewhiz1962	12-Aug-03/9:52 AM
This is the kind of end of the day meditation that my co-workers would love and make copies of and pass around the office. Didn't work as well as a poem, for me.
Re: Concieted Checkmate. by LuckyJoe	12-Aug-03/9:49 AM
Line 3 should say "every way" 3 lines up from the bottom should say "your heart" This was a good idea, but could use improvement- I would take all of the heart and love references out and make it less obvious that you are talking about dating/love. You should make the chess pieces move with verbs that also have sexual connotations.
Re: Frozen by Mona Lisa	12-Aug-03/9:41 AM
Yes, very nice. You did a great job of showing how the narrator wasn't allowing herself to be just a victim of his somewhat abusive sex. Powerful.
Re: Tingling by INTRANSIT	12-Aug-03/9:34 AM
Yeah, that was nice. I thought the images at the beginning were more powerful (the "lifting through a hole in the morning" and the dead bird's wings "marking it's grave and signaling that its spirit survived the collision" were great) more than the ending with the falling tree frond. Though I can see how you'd keep it that way if that was the order of events in real life. If you like roadkill stories, check out Ode to a Fox, in my archives.
Re: a comment on Maine Freeze by http://mulberryfairy	12-Aug-03/9:26 AM
I wouldn't be so sure! I used to work weekends at a gym where they practiced when the weather was inclimate.
Re: a comment on Sagadahoc to Hudson by http://mulberryfairy	12-Aug-03/9:24 AM
Yes, I agree it needs work, and though I know what I'd like to see different, I am currently at a loss for how to make it better. I know it is too much information, but I just can't bear to remove any of the details that seem important to me (a writer with a dangerous predisposition to be wordy) Ideas?
Re: Maine Freeze by http://mulberryfairy	11-Aug-03/8:52 AM
Nobody's noticed, (not that I'd expect you to) so I will have to give it away myself! This poem is named after southern Maine's women's contact football team "Maine Freeze". Oh, the power!
Re: a comment on 8:45 AM Dentist Appointment by http://mulberryfairy	11-Aug-03/8:50 AM
Glad you read and liked it.