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Concieted Checkmate. (Free verse) by LuckyJoe ***********Second Draft Below*************
Conceit-ion the game of chess,
Strategically plan each move,
Both players the same in every way,
The challenge of attempting to mate,
Get close only to walk away,
Donât want what can be had,
Only chase after what runs,
The rules of engagement understood,
Didnât pay any attention for a day; made a move,
Your turn now, bad choice got lured in.
See you attempted pawning the heart,
The rook with shaky foundation still stood,
Down a long strait, distant from action,
Getting the reaction of worry,
A knock on the door youâve come calling.
Afraid a knight will make you feel of a queen,
Gallantly shinning he walks catching your eye,
Drawing you in again for a day.
Youâre the queen, now demanding all attention,
Once accomplished chewed up and spit out,
Strategy will capture a succulent piece,
The board of relations king I play,
Goddess of beauty canât defend the planning,
Each move you make, the other side a step ahead.
As king Iâll capture your heart,
Checkmate! Nowhere to run youâre all mine.
*********First Draft Below***********
Conceit-ion the game of chess,
Strategically plan each move,
Both players the same in ever way,
Love the challenge of attempting to mate,
Get close only to walk away,
Donât want what can be had,
Only chase after what runs,
The rules of engagement understood,
Didnât pay any attention for a day; made a move,
Your turn now, bad choice lured you in.
See you attempted pawning the heart,
The rook one step ahead galloped away,
Down a long strait, distancing from action,
Worked well getting the reaction of worry,
Right behind you come calling.
Afraid you canât have your knight,
Gallantly shinning heâs walking onward.
Drawing you in again for a day.
Youâre the queen demanding all attention,
Once accomplished chewed up and spit out,
Strategy will capture a succulent piece,
The board of relations as king I play,
Goddess of beauty you canât defend the planning,
Each move you make, the other side a step ahead.
As kind Iâll capture youâre heart,
No more moves now your love is mine,
Checkmate... in the process of dating.
**Has it got better or worse?**
Up the ladder:
Myopic Labotomized Hubris
Down the ladder:
(untitled)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: August 11, 2003 5:27 PM PDT; Last modified: September 5, 2003 8:28 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2535 Comments:
[5]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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11-Aug-03/7:57 PM
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Reply
Yes, and castles gallop very well. You are a sod, and a cad.
I think this would be WAY stronger if you didn't spoon-feed us the metaphor. Don't underestimate the reader unless you're writing for pre-teens.
what good is chess pieces when i eliminated the board, stole the crown, and then made the kingdom laugh at your face? lol. cmon now, this was one big cliche.. chess.. THINK HARDER!!!!!!!! 4.
You really want to see my brain smoke don't you? My poetry as of late has been crap... very forced. Haven't had a clear mind on life so should stop writing till I get everything figured out. Hmmm I'll try to think of something better for my next poem... hopefully I won't have to force to write it. Thanks for the support/push Dreamer.
I want you to melt down and stop trying.. i want you to start WRITING... from the soul mother fucker, not that crap, cmon now, a poet doesnt force it out, a poet lets it flow freely like a river.
im gonna push till that dam breaks and all that poetical juice floods out.
Line 3 should say "every way"
3 lines up from the bottom should say "your heart" This was a good idea, but could use improvement- I would take all of the heart and love references out and make it less obvious that you are talking about dating/love. You should make the chess pieces move with verbs that also have sexual connotations.
Neither... It died.
Perhaps this poem could be improved if it was set in space.
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