| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
The Musician (Free verse) by Carvaceous She's in love with a musician
His calloused fingers fly across his instrument
She's in love with those fingers
rough, unfeeling
She dances along to the beat
A steady strum,
Now a fast flying tune overbearing her thoughts
She's in love with a musician
He plays her between the measures
Swaying her hips she dances
okay still working on this...any suggestions?
Up the ladder:
Untitled
Down the ladder:
Love
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.428571
Posted: August 12, 2003 6:23 PM PDT; Last modified: August 12, 2003 6:23 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.846319 Overall Rank: 10609 Comments:
[6]
http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.161
|
12-Aug-03/8:04 PM
|
Reply
Seems incomplete, and a little redundant. What else about the musician and her? Tell her those calloused guitar player hands have "compromised" qualities in the sack.
Why not imply the musician plays her emotions as well as his instrument, she being the instrument of lust. Most musicians shag non-stop. the line 'she dances along to the beat' is too basic, this is one possibility that impulsively came to me ..she glides like pollen in to a thorn' (so she's dancing in to trouble, in to pain because he will hurt her) and finally name the damn instrument as they say so much, you got the sultry sax, the sad violin, the reverberating cello? which instrument is it? maybe link it to the woman who loves him.
Its not bad as it is but it could be as dark angel would put it----------ACE 6
Thanks for the suggestions, they're fab!
Just one. More obos and less fodder.
138 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
